The past days had been tough. Not because I find it hard to push myself to get on with everything and accept what life has offered at the moment but because I’ve a rough time figuring out what is this all about. The message of struggles. The meaning of all those doors that had been shut. The logic of denying me with an opportunity. The reason of all these wrenches.
Moment after moment, my questions of these adversities seem oscillating back and forth in the four corners of the house. With no certain answers. Definitely none. Who would answer my complex questions? It’s all about circumstances. It’s all about subsistence. Whatever awaits at the end of this arduous road, no one knows, none of my inkling. Life is tough I know it but I never imagined I would be pushed to a certain limit of my strength. My self-confidence is on the verge of crashing into pieces.
The world has turned against me and circumstances conspired to bury me into frustrations and defeat. No one wants to believe my value and no one wants to take me in. It's a bit disconcerting and I felt so bad about myself. At some point, I turned the table of angst away from me and directed to those jerks who seemed cruel for turning me down, who misjudged and discredited my capacity.
Who would pick me up? Who would be used by God as an instrument to lift me from this turbulent moment?
Hardcore questions. And answers are as distant as those floating meteors in the milky way. Even if I would bang my head in the wall for a hundred times, I would never get satisfying answers to all these muddles. Logic might be flawed and everyone will argue.
Because TIME is a tipping point of what should be done and how things should get us going. It controls the intersection of our journey. It would never yield to what we scream at the moment. It has its own direction. It has its own blueprint how things should flow. It follows its own command. It keeps its own phase and interval. No one can ever pass the parameter without the consent of time.
But who controls TIME?
We might finish our day with a split mind and ended in a mental facility, but I know, somewhere out there, someone control’s TIME. Someone we cannot defy whose judgement cannot be questioned, whose decision cannot be bargained of. Because this someone owns everything. Even TIME.
We might create unreasonable decision, possess courage to make a difference, dare to fly high with our intention to make life worth living based on how we define it, waste energy to pursue those dreams and intentions, without fitting on the timetable designed by God, everything is senseless.
He owns TIME. God owns everything. Even the mapping of our plans. The direction of our destiny. The collision of our path with another. He controls everything. It might be hard to accept or too difficult to take it in but that’s how it goes and we cannot barter it. Not even trading self-sacrifices and lashing our feet on the steps of the church every day. If the grand design is not yet complete. None of those plans will come to realize.
Everything has its own time. And God owns it. He designs it. We have to undergo a different level of pain and tribulation to recognize His grand design. We might feed up with the long delays but faith will keep us going.
After a while, I get back on my feet and think about life in the correct sense, think about my faith, about God and what I have right now. Why I should feel bad? Why focus on the things I have no control? Why concentrate on something that should never be given? I still have my life to live. Never mind those entities/people that/who refused to believe in my worth, they are not also worthy to be grieved on. There are still wonderful things on the other side of the road. At the end of this tormenting journey a great reward awaits. Something that only God is capable of providing.
Sometimes, the only thing we truly needed is just within ourselves, it's just deep within, we only need to bank on our faith to understand everything. Life is a reflection, whatever thought we feed on our subconscious becomes us.
One inspiring quote I've read somewhere:
“God’s plan is always the best, sometimes the process is painful and hard. But we should always remember that when God is silent. When it seems He never listens to our prayers. He is doing something great!”