Saturday, December 27, 2014

Goodbye 2014 I don't have regrets

The year is about to bid goodbye.

Another year is approaching and the burden of facing uncertainties starts to wobble in my horizon. Would I face another dreadful year? Or finally something worth keeping will unfold.

Each end of the year, I always try to look back and go over with all the events that befell in my life for the past twelve months and reassess in which area I encountered hits and misses. I often try to contemplate if it has something to do with my sedentary or aggressive approach in life.

Then all the questions started to burst in: Did I achieve something remarkable for the past twelve months? Did I hit my target with my life plans? Am I happy? Am I contented? Am I fulfilled? Do I serve as a blessing to others or as a mess that should be removed from their horizon in the coming year? Am I traversing the path I would really want to navigate or should make a re-route and continue finding my place? Am I worthy of anything? Why it seems I am forever stuck in this God-forsaken corner of life?

So today, I am undergoing a cycle of reassessing again. And the answers never sound like the one I would want to hear as the year approaches its final phase because after so many attempts to smoothen up everything, it’s so frustrating to know that I am still a bit of a loser, and with all honesty, I still considered myself a big failure in all aspects. Why all these misses kept repeating? Am I too reckless with my moves and decisions or too lenient to go and chase my dreams.







Usually, I never talk about work in my blog because this online journal is just about my personal thoughts and emotions, things I want to separate from work. But today, I feel the urge to do so, of talking something about work because I want to liberate my mind from anxiety, angst and torment, I want to free  myself from a self-defeating thought that my destiny looks like a big joke.

I feel aghast why it seems my career path is still leading me to nowhere. Did I overestimate my plan? Or this current environment is simply hostile and discriminating to someone who just came from the province.

When I obtained my master’s degree in business administration, I made myself believe I was destined for something incredible. Afterall, I’ve been working for ten years, exposed to some challenging tasks both from a regular day job and a freelance writing career online where I worked with foreign clients, picked up a handful of experience along the way and gained wisdom.

I am extremely confident that I could land a job that would not only boost my self–esteem but would also provide me with a sense of fulfillment. That I am good at anything.

I was terribly wrong. It did not turn that way. Instead circumstances dragged me to the opposite side of the spectrum that it felt like I was deliberately thrown out to a curve of wretchedness and mortification. I was not being fitted to what I supposed to be in.

Every day I felt so humiliated and demeaned, enduring a terrible feeling of being underrated and devalued, shove into a situation inappropriate to what is due, eventually, my self-confidence plummeted and towards the end of a tiring day, I could not help but think what had I done so wrong to deserve all these blunders.

But I’ve no reason to complain. I know the concept of life. I am emotionally mature, I know it’s part of God’s plan, allowing nasty things to happen to let me understand the true value of patience and waiting and to realize where should I supposed to walk in. God's plans are better than mine, wonderful than what I had been envisioning because He knows what’s best for everyone. If not for all these slip-ups, I would never learn a hard lesson and would never recognize things to be tossed away and things to be kept and eventually realize where to dart my focus.

Now I know where to dart my focus.

I am still capable of making things happen, of working things out, of rearranging my plans, because life happens based on how we want to live each day, how we define our future and how we perceive things.

I know God never closes doors, I don’t believe on that. Everyone is given an opportunity to recognize gifts; we only think the door closes because the plans did not go as what we wanted it to be and we hate being stuck in desolation and unfortunate circumstances that’s why we think the door had been shut. But it did not.

It’s just being coated with a dark shadow of our weaknesses and abhorrence towards sufferings, because we hate sufferings, but the truth is, that dark shadow is a grace to live by, a wisdom, a blessing in disguise. If we open our hearts of interpreting it in a positive sense and on the brighter side of life, we will recognize that it’s a magical door that will lead us to fullness and abundance, to a new road of fulfillment.

And that’s what I am thinking right now. Despite my anguish and disappointment towards the time wasted of being tied into the current environment and this dreary journey, I know there’s a golden spark that lurks beneath, a blessing in disguise that would usher me to a meaningful road.

Every circumstance is a testimony to a beautiful story. I know my life story has just began, and as the year 2014 prepares its final goodbye, I am welcoming another year of hope, another year of making things possible, another year to catch the tide of contentment. Another opportunity to work things out.

I have no regrets though, because there are beautiful things that also unfolded, so despite the torment I felt, I am grateful. I've encountered nice people and gained a whole new experience. I was able to see the other side of the city.

I am hoping the following year will give me a different story to tell.
 



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