Wednesday, July 18, 2012

I'm tired Chasing Rainbows

Last night, I was a little bit woozy, feeling the same discomfort again, seems like an agonizing idea of dejection, which I thought was lifted years ago, had resurfaced. 

I moved the little chair and squinted on the blurry object pinned against the wall of my room. There's no meaning on it, only a blank space and a senseless ardor of clinging to something I cannot own.

Time stood still and for a moment, it felt like I was standing in the swirl of desolation. Same old story that keeps repeating, like a broken record and the noise of it already tires me. It needs to be buried. It needs to be thrown away. Finally, oh Jesus!How many times I mentioned the word "finally"? How many times I should be humiliated to learn a hard lesson in life?

I wanted to hold on. I wanted to cling to the last strand of hope. I wanted to believe that one day, some day,  this crazy longing will be realized. But life is so tough and time would not just give in. Over and over again the same pattern of antipathy persists. It's so degrading and very sad. What makes the dejection very painful is watching others being treated nicely while I received nothing but hostility. What had I done so wrong to deserve such treatment?

As the brisk cold wind cut through the breezy night shortly before midnight, I whisked my mind away from self-pity determined not to look back again with that horrible road of rejection. I don't want to be mortified anymore. I don't want to be treated by others as if I am an unworthy and useless individual.

Over the decades, I carefully built an unblemished reputation and dignity hoping someday somebody would treat me as a priceless human being worthy to be respected and appreciated. But I'd watched my life revolved into patterns consumed by miseries and trampled by rejection. It should not be that way. I must get up and unwrap the golden value deep inside.

I once read a story of a young woman who, after 10 years of holding on to something she held very precious giving out her selfless devotion, understanding and sacrifices and all she got was humiliation, finally realized her unspoken miseries and decided to move away from that cluttered "box" and rediscovered her true worth.

I'm tired chasing rainbows. I don't want to spend every minute of my existence agonizing over why my sacrifices and patience did not pay off. Maybe God has another plan.

I must try looking at the beautiful sunrise on the other side of the road. It's more promising, more fulfilling.

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