Sunday, December 10, 2017

The Complete pack of The Red Star Tattoo Conspiracy

The Red Star Tattoo Conspiracy is now complete. The three books can now be purchased in Amazon and other online book retailers. You may check all the available versions in my author's page HERE This page shows all my available books and each button will directly point you to Amazon shopping cart for an easy navigation.


Book 1: The Lost Memory


Book 2: The Hunt for a Dark Child


Book 3: The Child of Destiny

In the final book of the series: The Child of Destiny, Bea returns to a remote farm village where her family was murdered when she was still a child. There, she retrieves the box that her father had kept for 19 years. It holds an explosive secret. 

Eventually, she restarts a life in terror, this time, facing her most dangerous enemy she unwittingly welcomes into her own home. 

Brace on for the final series of The Red Star Tattoo Conspiracy as Bea Gladstone continues with her quest to discover the real story of the mysterious red star mark in her shoulder and its connection to the powerful secretive organization called The Golden Templars Society.



The Essence of Silence

Bushed up lately.

 Extremely tired with the daily routine  due to grueling work hours. I don't even have enough time to check my cellphone. And I am on the verge of giving up. I already reached a point where I am started looking for another alternative. Because I don't want to undergo this kind of routine in the coming months. Never again. 

In the middle of this highly demanding and very taxing routine, often times I am longing for some privacy, even within my thoughts, to get rid the pressure off my head. I need enough space to breathe, to discern things, to think about life, and to rest my tired mind and body, even at the comfort of my own thoughts.

Sometimes I longed to be alone. My very introvert nature hates noises and being surrounded with a large crowd and desired for some privacy. However this is terribly impossible as I am always surrounded with people in the workplace. So for a time, silence is all I need. Even within my thoughts.

Yes, everyone needs SILENCE. We could never hear ourselves clearly. And we could never discern effectively if we are always talking, if we are always loud. Especially if we are stuck in such a very noisy environment. Literally and figuratively.

But irritation occurs when people in my surrounding take notice on my silence. They misinterpret it the other way around. They thought I am morose, angry towards someone or pissed off with my work or having tantrums. They thought I needed to be calmed down to bring back the jest in me. So some of them will endlessly pester me why I am silent, why I seem stop talking. Which thoroughly triggered my angst and annoyance.

These people perhaps never understand the essence of silence and the value of private moments deep within. We all need space and privacy, even how busy we are in the workplace. Often times, we are processing some personal issues on understanding life's complexities and how things should run in our lives. So silence is what we needed. And I hope people in our surroundings give it to us and respect this personal choice of privacy.

So I am screaming now to give me some moments of silence, for some privacy in my thoughts and allow me to keep quiet while working and never disturb me or ask me why I am quiet or why I remain silent.

Anxiety is slowly consuming what is left for my faltering energy and I need enough silence to recharge, and to invigorate my worn-out system. So Please, give me some moments of silence and stop asking me why I am quiet at times.


Sunday, October 22, 2017

Nlighten Bubble Cleanser

When it comes to skincare, Korean products always have a unique attraction to the consumers in the beauty market.

Basically, this has nothing to do with the K-pop fever, it's just that beauty products from Korea really are effective and mostly plant-based.

When a friend introduced me to Nlighten line of skincare, which are all made from Korea, I was so fascinated instantly. I picked up bubble cleanser because it was my first time to hear something about "therapy oxygen" and how it works in the skin.

Indeed this product is so fabulous! And I have not been so satisfied with the skincare I used. This is really unique! As bubble releases on the skin, it starts to penetrate deeply, giving the skin a thoroughly cleansing activity and an instant face lift! It tightens pores and eliminates dark spots and black heads.

After a week of regular use I noticed my skin becoming so radiant and smooth. It works very fast on the skin, as though I have an instant face lift. It also evens out skin tone and erases dark spots. This product works both as a cleanser and a rejuvenating facial wash,

A plant-based, it contains Evening Primrose, Asian White Birch and Yellow Dock Root that help fight inflammation and skin irritation, making the skin so radiant and soft. And what I love most about this product is that this is paraben-free!

How to apply?

Just press a pea-sized drop to your finger tip and lather on the skin. Allow the bubble to penetrate the skin for a minute, The bubbles will work on dirt and eradicate all the impurities. Gently wipe the remaining bubbles with cotton ball. Then wash the residue with a lukewarm water.

You may use a cream or any hydrating/moisturizing lotion/cream after each application to lock  the moisture in your skin.

Level of Satisfaction - Highly satisfied! This is a highly recommended product to everyone. Especially those who are experiencing a sagging skin  in the face with blemishes and dark spots. Money guaranteed!

Price: Php 1,450.00 per bottle. But good for 3 months.

Where to buy: Contact me/send me a message so that I can refer you to my friend who is one of the direct dealers of Nlighten products in the Philippines.


Monday, September 4, 2017

Jeff Turns 28 Today!


Yes, this debonair guy celebrates his birthday today. And that’s something very significant to pay tribute with. Because he is such an amazing person. My close connection with him is so precious I could waste my entire day writing birthday wishes for him in my websites. We’ve gone through many weekend food crawls and he has been so kind enough to take spectacular shots for my TRAVEL BLOG.

Meeting people never just happen. Circumstances allow the encounter to take place for some reasons. Most of the time, a very significant reason. May it be a lesson to live by or a blessing to keep. And I felt truly blessed and lucky to meet this extraordinary person whose personality radiates with so much compassion and kindness.

This is part of the special ARTICLE LINK WHEEL I did for his birthday.

I don't have anything to give him for his special day today. We're miles away at the moment. So I'll just write an open letter for him. 

Happy Birthday Jeff!

I could not think of anything to help ease the sorrow you've gone through on your father’s abrupt passing, but I am hoping words can cheer you up. You’re still undergoing the process of acceptance and coming to terms with the painful death, so I am very careful not to mess up with words.


I wish I could give you something special to mark your birthday but I am afraid I could not find one that suits your preferences. I wish to bake goodies for you but my baking skill is still terrible, I might end up baking pancakes instead of cupcakes. Moreover, we might not meet in the coming weeks or months because you’re still in the process of emotional transition and adjustment and you need a lengthy moment of silence. 


So I thought of something else. Writing a link wheel for you in my two sites. Something I rarely did ;-)

I hope this birthday featured post won’t cringe you in embarassment haha! I just want to remember your birthday in the most fascinating way, something different. Something that would not fade in the coming decades. And something you always remember when you drop by in my websites. Blogs never vanish unless the site is taken down or post is deleted.

You have welcomed your 28th birthday in what could have been one of the most trying times in your life. The transition of emotion is always difficult. But I am wishing you can carry it well. You’re a strong person with a positive disposition in life.

Sometimes I would think how are you doing, or how are you coping with the pain, and thought of asking you but then I respected your privacy. You need enough time with yourself, spending in silence and alone. The road to recovery is not easy.

So here, I’ll just write everything I wanted to say, every wish I wanted to extend, to let you know how much I care. Even in silence. I am always grateful with your friendship, you’re such a gracious person and a perfect gentleman. A very polite one, well-mannered and highly cultured. You epitomizes gallantry, like one of those grand dukes in fairytale books (I used grand duke, because in European royalty standard, it ranks higher than a prince :-D).

The impression of happiness and celebration sounds absurd at the moment due to the sorrow you’ve gone through, but I still wish you a happy day today. May you’ll be blessed with the gift of stillness, with a peaceful mind and heart, a healthy body, and a richer wisdom.

My connection with you is so very precious, something I would always cherish in the future. I’ve never been close to a guy before because of uneasiness issue. I don’t easily trust someone. I always find it very uncomfortable to engage in a conversation or go somewhere else with a guy. So I have no idea how to interact without being nasty, but with you I was able to cross the barrier with so much easiness. I’ve never encountered a guy who is as compassionate as you. That’s why I feel so lucky to have you in my small, shaky, tight world.



I am also battling with apprehension. I find it uneasy to communicate with people who never shared the same interest and values with me. My reserved culture is always the sticking point. While liberated folks appreciated the atmosphere of bars and parties and enjoyed the night life and KTV lounges, I prefer to stay at home, do some baking, write books and play with my cats and dogs. Or pack and go somewhere else where I could be alone with nature. Others seem not comfortable with these life’s preferences. And this is where ridicule often starts, and it crashes me to the core.

But you’re different. I find you distinct from the rest. You understood me pretty well, and never judged me. With you, I found a great defender. You’re seem to be my rock. Our personalities complimented each other. We could talk anything under the sun with so much easiness and without any disagreement. We get along so perfectly. Like I am seeing the other side of myself in you.

Though I often wish we could spend more time together, going out on a food crawl or out-of-town trips and nothing will change in the coming days. There’s no assurance of anything. Life is full of surprises. Tomorrow might be different.

Each day, I always feel I am losing you to someone. The idea sounds horrible because I would be tossed back to my old self, doing some food trip on a weekend for my blog alone. But it’s a reality that I need to conform. I often have some difficulty dealing with emotional transition if I will be caught in surprise. So I am slowly preparing myself with that possibility now.

You’re always in my prayers. Every now and then when I pray, I always take time to offer special intentions for you. To ease the grief you felt. To grant the wishes that your heart silently desires. To shower you with more blessings. And to keep you healthy and safe all the time.

I am wishing that life will smile upon you today despite the sorrow you felt.

Happy Birthday!


PROCEED TO THE LINK WHEEL HERE



Sunday, September 3, 2017

Social Decorum

Had some serious discernment lately.

Questioning myself who am I into this world, what’s my purpose, where my life is heading, and what direction to take to experience growth, both in my personal and professional life, and earned respect. 

I’m already in a state where “just playing around” no longer applies. Not that I am rushing into anything in life, but I figured, I should be making decisions now with a head sight of the future to make sense of my day to day life. 

True enough, we should never constantly bother ourselves with the grim idea of the future or put too much pressure on what lies ahead, because it might hamper our purpose of living at the moment, but the cardinal rule of life is, WE SHOULD SET GOALS. We should set priorities and work on it. This pattern will help us guide how to make right decisions and how to put some limitations.

Lately, I also realized that I don’t need too many people in my life to be happy and fulfilled, just a few one to enjoy precious moments. People who can truly understand my personality, who can appreciate my strangeness. I also acknowledged the importance of choosing who to be with. In as much as I wanted to be nice to the people I first met, the stark differences on personal growth and cultural orientation often come into the picture.

Wisdom is tricky, it is not acquired overnight nor over a glass of beer. We learned it by ourselves, through the lessons we learned in life, through reading good books, through experiences we gone through and through the right people we often go with.

The level of personal growth and the wisdom we gained sometimes depend on who are the people we welcomed into our circle. That’s why it is always an advantage if we surround ourselves with the right people, it will develop our personal learning and improve our wisdom. But if we welcomed wrong people in our circle who talked nothing but shallowness and which KTV lounges they will hang next weekend, it poses disaster. It would never really take us anywhere.

This contrasting view point is evident when we're in the group and engage on a conversation. I can easily tell if the person is a drifter, an impolite bastard who cared nothing in the world but personal pleasure and those who are sensible and with substance. Every minute is precious, having to spend it in such a useless discussion with futile people is completely a waste of time.

So I am making these notes to myself.

Next time I am in a group with people who have contrasting values, I’ll just hold my tongue and keep my mouth shut. It’s totally absurd if I would step down to their level of shallowness and thinking. They need more time to grow up personally and emotionally. They need to refine their behavior and how to interact with people for the first time. Because most of the time, people tend to forget their limitations and boundaries. 

It’s always painful to watch myself being gorged up with shallowness. It’s not that my social skill is awful or other people were raised in a more liberated environment, but there’s always a dark line of annoyance that emerges when they began to carp every inch of my being, as though I did something terrible in life because I did not conform with the current norms.

Then I’ll have to decide whether to endure the humiliation of their criticism and ridicule or it’s time to disappear. I want to avoid a situation where I would raise my voice, trying to defend my way of life because it’s totally senseless. I don’t owe anyone an explanation with the kind of principles I breathed. That’s part of my individuality that needs to be respected.

It’s always difficult to have a conversation with people who need more time to “grow up”, both in learning and acquiring wisdom. Those who are following a vulgar lifestyle would never understand the introverts. Having been used to the influence of shallow people who cared nothing in this world but party and night life pleasure, they would never understand the rules of correct decorum, dealing with new acquaintances.

Learning correct decorum and understanding the rules of etiquette are not entirely taught in school (unless you’re attending  a finishing school in Europe where children of aristocrats and royalty usually go to study social manners), you learned it by yourself. And it often shocked me to know that people are clueless about it.

I learned how to observe proper social decorum when I made an extensive research about the lives of European royals (that time I was writing the first few chapters of the book “The Queen Consort” which I momentarily shelve). For royalty and nobility, observing the rules of etiquette is necessary because people are expecting them to behave as such. Though wayward prince and princess are often heard in the social scene, misadventures of royals are always considered “low”.

Here’s one golden rule in social decorum that most ignorant people often overlooked, or have totally no knowledge about (except actor Ryan Agoncillo, I heard him uttered this rule on TV). It’s always rude for a man to ask a woman about her age. That’s totally discourtesy and lack propriety. The reason for this is that publicly, information like age, sex orientation, sexual preferences, civil status are considered sensitive and personal information that most people are not comfortable talking in public. It is considered blatant if you ask someone with something like that. 

In the world of social manners. asking someone with information he or she is not comfortable sharing in public is considered an act of plain rudeness. It lacks graciousness. You can check some best explanation from THE SPRUCE. And whether a woman is comfortable sharing personal information in public like age, the etiquette rule remains: It is improper and rude to ask a lady about her age, this according to Dianne Isbell of Belleville News.

Towards the end of the day, we can tell who among the people we met are courteous and who are those who have bad manners. We can never gain from their company. Nothing except tips on how to become tipsy. They are the people to be avoided.


Sunday, August 13, 2017

The Final Book of The Red Star Tattoo Conspiracy

The final book will be out soon!


More gripping revelation, more thrilling scenes as Bea De Leal-Gladstone fights to survive and continues with her quest to uncover the enigma of the red star tattoo in her shoulder. 

But while waiting for the third book, the two books of the series are on sale today in Amazon. Please check below links for paperbacks and e-book to get your copies.




Soon, the complete pack will be offered on a huge discount! Please keep posted for the announcement. Kindly check from time to time my author's page in Amazon.

To receive updated announcements including how to avail freebies and huge discounts, join our community in facebook The Red Star Tattoo Conspiracy and follow our posts.

Sunday, July 30, 2017

Organic Super Berries from English Tea Shop!

Awesome tea finds while looking for something to drink at Robinson's supermarket!


I am an avid tea drinker. This is the only beverage that can provide relief when my energy is very low. Tea gives me a unique vitality especially at night when I am working on my books and blogs. It offers comfort and relief from stress. I am not really into coffee and the only way to keep me awake at night time is a cup of warm tea.


Elegant packaging!


This savory tea from English Tea Shop has a fusion of organic super berries such as strawberry, blueberry and raspberry. It retains the bitter taste of tea but with a little spike of sweetness, which for me a perfect blend. There's no need to put honey or lemon because the berries already provide a delightful balance of taste of sweetness.


Each tea bag is packed in a classy sachet


The juicy taste and the pleasing aroma of the super berries made this tea a wonderful tonic beverage. I love the sweet aroma! Each teabag releases a red color to the water but it does not give stain to the cup. It looks like just a natural water. This tea is perfect after eating sweets and creamy food. It balances the greasiness of fatty food.

This variety contains 20 tea bags individually packed in a classy sachet. One cartoon is worth Php160.00

Saturday, July 29, 2017

Dunkirk Film: Some Loopholes

This is the film I’ve been waiting for years. Since reading the book, The Battle of Britain, 10 years ago and read the strip of the story of Dunkirk, I did not stop wishing that someday the story of how Operation Dynamo was carried successfully would be transformed into a motion picture. Ten years later, my wish would be granted. Only to be disappointed.
There’s no doubt that Christopher Nolan (writer and director of Dunkirk) is one of the most brilliant filmmakers in Hollywood. I’ve watched most of his films and almost all of it left me with a sore mind, trying to analyze the scenes. He is superb in mind games. His films often centered on logical plots and mind-bogging scenes. Like Inception.
So I expected so much about Dunkirk. First, because I know the story. I love history. I like the story of wars. Especially when it tackles the personal emotion of soldiers enduring a traumatizing situation in the battlefield. It drew sympathy. Second, because it’s a Christopher Nolan film. A mind plot master in Hollywood.
But I did not get what I was expecting. In fact, I was thoroughly frustrated, even at the very start of the film. I felt I was robbed with expectations. There was a big loophole somewhere in the screenplay. Emotion. It lacks a spike of emotion, which is the core of Dunkirk story.
Why I was disappointed?
Well, the story of Dunkirk is one of the most highly emotional testimonies of wars I’ve ever read in recent years. It retells the trauma suffered by the British soldiers while retreating, romping under enemies’ fire and left nothing to pick up their lives but themselves and their will to survive. For brave men trained to be tough in the front line under fire, their saga to leave their weapons behind and the battlefield was demoralizing. Their chance of survival was slimmer and they expected nothing in the world but miracle.
Dunkirk was a former coastal area in France where the Operation Dynamo was fully implemented. Operation Dynamo was a military strategy developed by the British commanders to evacuate the British Expeditionary Forces (BEF) back to Britain.
It was May 1940, eight months after the second World War erupted. France already fell to Hitler’s panzers. The British Expeditionary Forces (the least experience among the Allied soldiers) were trapped in France and could not be mobilized. The British commanders thought their men would be totally crashed if they would continue to face the mighty German combatants. So they made a decision almost unthinkable to the brave soldiers trained to die for their country, evacuation.
They named this military strategy, Operation Dynamo. The plan was to bring all the soldiers to the coastal area of Dunkirk where the fleet of the British royal navy will wait. But it was risky. The German soldiers were equipped with high-powered battle gears, snipers were all over France, and Luftwaffe, Germany’s air force, had expert dive-bombers ready to wipe out the retreating BEF.
The only edge of Great Britain in the battlefield was the British royal navy. Unlike Germany, Britain boasted the largest naval fleets and the most skillful navy officers in the world. The British commanders decided to bank on this edge. The royal air force pilots were tasked to cover the retreating BEF and the British warships by counter-attacking the Luftwaffe.
While marching to Dunkirk, the BEF suffered severe exhaustion clouded with uncertainties whether they could ever return home alive or be destroyed by the Luftwaffe on the beach. Many were shattered by hopelessness and sleeplessness. The demoralizing situation was even intensified when hunger and thirsty took over. Artilleries were left behind and they needed to traverse the dark and dangerous trail day and night without any assurance of survival. Tired, confused and feeling useless, some of them almost committed suicide on the road and tempted to surrender to the enemies.
Days of waiting for their destiny in the seashore, several of them died. More than half of the British royal air force pilots were also killed. The British warships were attacked by German torpedoes, though only few successfully sunk. When Hitler halted the operation of the German panzers to regroup, the task to attack the retreating soldiers was carried fully by the Luftwaffe.
That’s when the miracle took place. The weather turned somber over Dunkirk and the horizon was covered with thick mist and smoke from the burning town, prompting the Luftwaffe pilots to commit several errors on target, missing the dock and the throng of soldiers.
The bad weather provided an opportunity for the retreating BEF to save their lives. While the royal air force pilots and its Spitfires did the cover up on air, the royal navy hastened the operation, taking on board the remaining BEF.
The Operation Dynamo expected only 200,000 BEF but the number exceeded and the soldiers rescued reached more than 300,000. It was considered a miracle and a successful military operation.
However, none of these dramatic scenes were captured in the film. Nolan concentrated only on the drama above the water. No skillful royal navy officers were shown. Not even the heroic royal air force pilots with their victory formation, facing the mighty Luftwaffe. And why the bad weather around Dunkirk was not recreated when it was very crucial in the success of the Operation Dynamo story? Emotion was enormously lacking in the film.
The drama over low morale felt by most BEF was not clearly captured. In fact, the film editing was quite horrible by Hollywood standard. Scenes were kept jumping senselessly to another scene. In fact, the start of the film was too shallow to be considered a work of genius. The film began with snipers firing on the soldiers, then the chasing game followed. The next thing happened, the surviving soldier was already in the beach. Sucks!
The planning of Operation Dynamo seemed omitted and almost no mention in the film, where in fact, it was the core of the story of Dunkirk. Churchill was not even shown. Though the story of Dunkirk in reality is one of the most highly emotional stories of war, and the most frustrating when it comes to soldiers’ expectation, the film, however, failed to catch some sense of sympathy. Unclear message and confusing plot. Nolan could have done it better.  

Sunday, July 16, 2017

The part II of the book series, The RedStar Tattoo Conspiracy is now available for purchase in Amazon. The Hunt for a Dark Child follows the dangerous trail traverses by a woman known only as Madeleine Sternwood, trying to evade the chase of the deadly assassin squad of the Golden Templars Society. 

After her harrowing escape from her captors, Madeleine recovers her memory and discovers that she was only hidden under Sternwood’s identity while confined in a mental asylum remote from the world. Her real name is Bea De Leal – Gladstone. She resides in Portland, Maine and only seven months into marriage. 

She also believes her husband is still alive and living somewhere. Two strangers help her slip from the Augusta hospital. She travels back to Portland. But the death squad tracks her while on the road with a friend. She misleads the assassins and seeks the help of a family friend, Lady Burke. 

Eventually, Bea realizes that the only way to uncover the motive of the organization is to find the person who imprinted the red star tattoo in her shoulder, the mark that alarms the society. Her pursuit to uncover her enemies pushes her more to the center of the society’s treacherous game. 


Paperback is now available. 
Check this link to place an order


Can she successfully unmask the real identity of her powerful enemies this time and resolve the mystery behind her red star tattoo? Find out in this book! Brace on for more thrill and excitement as we continue to follow the dangerous saga that Bea Gladstone traverses.

Sunday, July 9, 2017

Chasing Moments

At times, the story of life never sounds magical as the idea of fairy tale. Sometimes it appears as though something is not always right and things often turn horribly wrong. As though somewhere in this world a disaster always ready to lurk, scoffing our zest in life, halting our hope to move forward.
Is it just me? Or circumstances are just so awfully hostile. But I always felt I am being deprived to savor the moment of thrill. It always turned the other way around before it could go ahead.
Privately, a nagging truth of what’s coming ahead often drifts in my head like a broken arrow, giving me some prickly sensation somewhere beneath my chest. It’s a passing thought, but towards the end of the day, it thrives in my mind.
Maybe I need some special moment to discern completely the intricate context of human existence. Things are never going to be easy but as days progress, it will get better. Things will get better. It won’t take far worse than having a tooth ache anyway.

Perhaps, I’ll start exploring the idea of taking a risky adventure just to see how far I would go with my inner strength. But it sounds ridiculous. Utterly silly to start messing up. So I’ll take it from here. Rediscover my worth, peep at the cracks where sunlight filters, look on the brighter side of life and discard the notion of desertion. If things are meant to befall then it will happen. It doesn't need to be coerced. It will just flow naturally.

Waiting for that precious moment to strike becomes an eternal quest then. A blurry stake. A tattered hope. As though I am gawking at the opaque horizon, searching for some bright stars to flicker when it was actually drizzly above.

So what I've been missing? Pointless musing perhaps. Or sordid reveries. It could be that I am just overthinking everything. Putting some vibrant hues, seeing rainbows when things were not actually there.

Scared. I am always scared to be rejected. Scared to be abandoned. Scared to be pushed aside. Scared to fight back. Scared to navigate unchartered territories. Scared to speak up. Scared to explore. Scared to be in the crowd because I lack self-confidence.

I often saw imperfections in me because I always thought people look at me that way. It seems I am wearing a mask all the time for worries of lifting the veil that shrouds the broken pieces inside of me. So I deliberately refused to open up my door to others I am not comfortable with. I only limit myself to someone who shares my passion in life, whom I could completely talk without being judged, whom I could completely express my views, even my weirdest thoughts, without being misunderstood.
I am a certified introvert. I don’t easily jell with others. Though, over the years, I developed an interpersonal skill that allows me to deal with people from different walks of life smoothly, I am still tentative with my approach in mixing with the crowd, with the people I don’t share any common interest. I'd rather spend time alone in the corner than endure the agonizing moment of pretending to be happy with the group, when deep inside it feels like hell.

I grew up in a very different childhood atmosphere. I was raised in a secluded place with nothing in the environment but sea, long coastlines, rivers, mountains and ravines. I would spend my day alone in the house, pressing my nose on books, or at the seaside marveling at the horizon where I often wondered what’s on the other side of the Pacific Ocean.

I was taught to be cautious. So I grew up keeping myself away from everyone I find unconventional. Talking to boys was considered a taboo. So I developed a very antagonistic approach towards men. Back then, I considered them as bloody vultures that should be avoided. Until that mindset revolved into a personal culture, wrapping my little, shaky world.

I also grew up believing that life revolves in two patterns: right and wrong, black and white. However, when I became of age, I learned that things sometime fall into black and sometime fall into white, that most wrongs are not rights and most rights are not wrongs. They are simply different and unique, strange and extraordinary, terrific and tough. It’s up to people how to gasp the difference. Still, my horse mentality prevails.

Maybe I need someone to constantly remind me that life is so incredibly wonderful. That it’s not all about wars and chaos and rejection and pain that haunt this planet. There are wonders and the feeling of being loved and appreciated that make this world a better place to live in.

One of the most magnificent things in life is really to meet people whom we could go so naturally that having them around already feels like home. Whom we could interact without forcing ourselves to be appreciated. Without forcing ourselves to be cherished. Someone who could completely understand the core of our being. Someone who could make us laugh during bad days. Someone who could make us feel incredibly cool and protected.

That moment.
That special moment.
I am still chasing it. I am still hanging on.
But will it still comes?Will it ever happens? I wonder.

Some Good Things Never Last

4:00 AM, 25 June 2017

Sleep seems an impossible task. So I got up from the bed and seated near the window, breathing erratically, trying to make sense with the things that had just unfolded. Staring into the blank space, I wonder why I needed to mope over things that seem so totally pointless to rebut.

As the dawn of Sunday breaks in, I began to wonder why I started seeing some pattern of dark spaces again. Like those passing layers of obscurity that seem to hover in the air when the mind is drifting somewhere. And those bubbles of desolation that seem to burst up in the horizon when the body is overwhelmed with despair. Prickly and smothering.

The familiar questions of confronting myself with so many whys start to build up in my thoughts. Why matter transpires in ways I never thought would happen? Why good things never last? Why somewhere beneath my ribcage something felt so heavier each second?

Over and over again, the same story of rejection haunts my mind like a restless ghost, as though I am destined to suffer defeat all the time. I know I’ve grown up enough to understand the intricacies of life, but things can be so tough to absorb at times that when it hits unexpectedly, you’re totally blown up.

My little world has always been isolated, making my journey in life quite remote. I drink emptiness every morning like people taking their regular coffee. And for so long, I lived my life almost in total seclusion, with my door remained close. I refused to open up because no one understands me anyway. So, I traversed life alone without someone’s arm to support me when I fall down to my knees.

But time rolls in. And my definition of survival is no longer plausible. I know it. So adaptability to a harsh society becomes a necessity then. I made some fine-tuning with my approach in life though. I’ve tried. Yes.

Over the past months, I tried stepping out of my secluded shelter. I started seeing people through the lens of flexibility. Eventually, I learned to relate. I laughed with them. I started looking at my surroundings the way it  supposed to be seen. The way it supposed to be understood. Finally, I saw the other side of the world I never thought ever existed.

Little by little, I began to feel comfortable with what is being there and who are there. Time becomes precious. And moments become invigorating. A whole new world opens up. And life seems completely different. More thrilling, more brilliant. A great anticipation about the future emerges.

Suddenly, I become a new person with a unique vitality. Motivated and elated, as though this vast planet is a gorgeous circle of wonders that’s so full of amazing things and remarkable people. I am at my most calmest. A thrill of joy starts teeming up, excitement seems everywhere. A pang of satisfaction is lurking underneath. As if a unique brand of magic engulfs the entire universe, including my own little, damp world. 

But some good things never last. One day, things turned out pretty ugly. Lovely flowers suddenly withered, the beautiful horizon became dull and misty and the once vibrant blue sky turned somber. Eventually, my little world became shaky again. Overcast and uncertain.
Now, I feel like I am drifting apart, edging away, to a point of nowhere. I hate seeing dark layers of obscurity. But things happen. It keeps repeating. Then an inevitable consequence transpires, I am slowly crawling back to my old shelter, something I utterly detested. Darn!
But things sometimes occur the way we never thought would unfold. Maybe that’s the vagueness of life. To be haunted by stuff beyond our control. And we must prepare to embrace its downside. Because that’s what life is all about.
I’m alone again, agonizing over the lost connection. Now, it feels like I am slowly drowning with the swarming brook of solitude. With no one to pull me up. No one to understand my oddness.
Looking at the trail of my journey, I wondered why I kept moving back to square one. Why things in my surroundings would not just bend to my longings. Why I remained so empty after trying hard to fit in to somebody’s world. Why I could not move forward? Did I overestimate my plan? Or I am just rushing into things.
Nonetheless, I already come to a point where discomfort towards a hazy future no longer scares me. I should learn to adjust. And clever enough to accept the notion of reality. I should accept thing as it is. And just find some bright spot among the dark hues. Today, might be bad, tomorrow might get worst. But the next day will surely look different. It does not have to be like this all the time.
Life has to move on. It could never get easy as things progress, but it has to move on. I figured, at times, we refuse to peep at the cracks where sunlight filters because we want big windows to see the whole sunshine. We keep on looking for something that’s not been there. And waiting for something that will no longer return and will never happen. It’s time to look at the bright cracks where sunlight filters beautifully with so many shades. Varied shades that manifest optimism. And hope.
Life does not end in misery. Or in rejection. Or in failure and defeat. It’s a continuous quest. It continues to rotate. No matter how terrible the circumstances. And beyond the ugly trimming of desolation, there’s a point of great anticipation that awaits. Tomorrow, things will look different.

I always believed that circumstances often bring us to where we should start cultivating our strength and self-worth. To where we should start growing as a person. Things change, our environment demands change. So we should learn how to be flexible with the call of times.

But why I am still emotional? Why I am still acting as if I lost something very precious somewhere?

I figured, maybe because the little world I built up with the people I used to relate with starts to disintegrate. And it felt like I’ve lost something very precious along the way. I’ve lost something that’s been so very important. And already part of my mundane life. And I find it very hard to re-adjust. My horse mentality (too focus on a single direction) made it more difficult for me to adopt the sudden switch. But I should learn how to bend. I need to. No matter how difficult it is.

After moments of contemplation and shedding tears, I’ve finally recognized the fact that in life we can’t have both. If one is given, another one is taken. And believed that life is not just about trappings and routines, but also about how we appreciate things around, and how we align it with our concept of living beautifully. We cannot change the rotation of the earth nor the movement of the environment. We cannot recreate the history of time and rewrite our destiny. But we can have a new beginning. A fresh start. A positive disposition. There’s no such thing as too late. Everyone can start at any point. Somewhere.

Life is a game, I will just play it tougher this time. If there are lessons I've learned from this journey, it's the essence of patience, determination and humility. Everything happens in time that God chooses. Maybe this life, this current pattern of my life is where God wants me to be. Where He wants me to grow as a person. So, I’ll just follow the trail and considered it as a grace to live by. After all, God’s plans are better than mine. And His time is always perfect. 

Monday, May 15, 2017

Randomness

I'm walking at the crossroad of everything again. As though I'm turning back in time.

I've no right to complain about life though, Maybe somewhere there's something I need to understand about the world's complexities. That's why things kept repeating itself. Maybe I need to embrace the oddness of my destiny, no matter how unthinkable it is, to see where my life is heading. And whether I am already emotionally prepared to undergo such harshness.

So while contemplating how to get rid of all these "oddness", queer emotions perhaps, need to divert my focus . Answering random questions is always  a perfect "diversion".

Random Questions, here we go again! (source of some questions: Rantapallo)

1. Where were you 3 hours ago?
Stuck in front of my computer. Editing my books.

2. Who are you in love with?
Oh God! Can I escape this? :-) Sometimes I can really be silly, so better not answer this question. My emotion is so fragile at the moment.

3. Have you ever eaten a crayon?
Can't remember. Maybe during my grade school years. Kids did crazy stuff during elementary days, including eating crayons or digging worms in the backyard.

4. When was the last time you went to the mall?
Just this afternoon. I bought Collagen tablets 

5. Have you been to the movies in the last 5 days?
Nope. But I wish to. I love movies. I love going out to the cinema. 

6. Are you hot?
Naks! Literally, I'm hot. Because the weather is extremely hot and punishing. What's with those 40 degrees? Shocks!

7. What's your favorite comfort food, You can list as many as you would like
Wow!
a. Extra creamy cheesy pasta
b. Anything creamy and cheesy hehe!
c. Caesar salad
d. Cheesecake
e. Grilled salmon
f. Asparagus and Tofu in Olive Oil
g. All Japanese food
h. Seafood, seafood!
i. Croissant

8. Your dream vacation getaways?
Japan at Springtime. Autumn anywhere in the New England region (Maine, Massachusetts, Vermont), Switzerland, Italy, Scotland. Mustique, Greek Islands. I want to see the Northern Lights in Finland too!

9. What is an ideal date for you?
Walk on a beach at sunset (isn't that romantic? :-D)
Long conversation over food. And lots of laughter.
Or take a road trip in the countryside because I like nature..

10. Are you currently on a date?
Oh, how I wish. But life is so unfair. :-(

11. Who you want to be with?
Someone who can compliment my personality. A good conversationalist, a smart guy with a terrific sense of humor. I like men who are humorous, who can crack jokes without being stupid. Someone who can really make me laugh to the bones, who listens to my stories, Someone who understand the core of my being. My being introvert.

12. Do you miss anyone right now?
Yes. I don't want to elaborate. Please :-D

13. What makes you excited everyday.
The idea of living beautifully. The notion of a wonderful life ahead. The conversation with smart people.

14. Describe yourself in one paragraph.
I love food and travel. That summarizes everything. I'm hard to please. But when someone hits that spot (how to please me), I'm weak in the knees. You know, I can easily yield. I have a very tight circle of friends, so each moment I spend with them is really precious. I never dated anyone. I've never been into a relationship before (oh God this is terrible). I've this uneasy feeling towards men. But when I get to know a guy who can compliment me and listen to my stories, It changes everything. I'll stick with him, engage on a long conversation and God knows what else. It rarely happens. And when it happens, I know it's the right time. I'm very transparent, you can easily tell if I'm comfortable or not, or if I'm enjoying the conversation or not. 

15. Do you collect anything?
Yeah. Books.

16. Tell us your collection.
Biographical, self-developmental and royal books. Steve Jobs biography, Diana, Princess of Wales, Queen Elizabeth II, Philippa Gregory books. Loving Each Other by Dr. Leo Buscaglia, IQ quiz books, War of Britain.

17. Pizza or Cheesecake?
Cheesecake! I like creamy food

18. Do you like hot sauce?
Nope.

19. Favorite beverage?
Green Tea with honey 

20. Favorite jewelry?
Earrings and watch

21. The last time you cried?
Just this evening

22. Why?
I just want to cry. About my life. About everything.

23. Who is the last person you spent time laughing and really made you smile?
Is this question has something to do with tears? Haha! Yeah. In the workplace. :-) 

24. How do you feel about your life right now.
Half-bothered. Half-happy lol! 

25. Are you currently sad about something?
Yes. But I just reminded myself that in life, we can't have both.

26. Do you often pray?
Yes. I regularly talk to God each moment of the day. Prayer is the only solace I could have in this world. I've a well-established relationship with God. I believe that things happen for a reason because He wants to bring us to where we should be.

27. Any song that can really make you cry?
One of these days by Barry Manilow. There's something in the lyrics and melody that makes me very sentimental. "One of these days, one of these very ordinary days you gonna call my name and I won't be there". Sad lyrics isn't it? 

28. Who is the last person who said you were sexy?
I haven't heard someone gave me such compliment. Sad to say. Because, uhmm, I am not really sexy. At least people I met are honest haha!

29. Do you want your ex boyfriend to be happy with someone else?
I've no boyfriend ever since. I have not dated anyone in my life. I'm still waiting for God to send me His special gift lol! 😂

30. Do your feelings get hurt easily.
Yes. I've a very flimsy feeling

31. Are you afraid of falling in love?
No. Why should I? That's something I look forward to.

32. What's your mantra now?
Work. Save. Travel. Eat. Repeat 😁

33. Would you share stories about your life to people?
Only to someone I trust. I've friends. I can easily suit up to different types of people but I only open up to a person who has the same wavelength with me. Whom I feel comfortable talking with.