Tuesday, September 29, 2015

I will stop crossing the ocean




Rejection. Just how bad it is when it hits you? 

Yes, rejection of all sort...name it, I caught it all. I just could not get what I want, all I've been receiving is rejection. Months of bad days, of struggle trying to understand what's going on with my life, why I suddenly I'm a total failure, why suddenly people considered me like a jerk, unfit, unworthy to everything. I often spent several hours of the day thinking why things went wrong and all life's negative impact and self-defeating thoughts had just been piled up. 

I badly needed someone to lift my spirit, to let me know that I'm not alone, to motivate me, to pat my shoulder, to spend just a few hours in a day talking about things that never really matter in the end but just to share stories and laugh together, to, well, just being there. But I found no one. And my small world keeps reducing into a tiny circle.

Sometimes, I feel sorry about myself for undesirable enough not to hold one's interest. Sometimes, I would look myself in the mirror, studying my physical feature if there's something wrong, if it is badly distorted. I have in mind to conduct a survey to all the people I met and encountered if my personality is bad enough to be turned away.

But I know there's nothing wrong with me. It's just that people have a choice who they want to be with, where they want to revolve and who's worthy of their time. There's nothing I can do about it but accept. It's part of one's freedom anyway, therefore, must be respected. But I can't help thinking why I was deliberately ditched out, why "relating" has been shut off before the real me could be fully acquainted, why I was totally rejected. Maybe I am not worthy of anything at all,

But realizing I could never win the game by drowning myself in regrets, in remorse, in frustration, I got up and focus on what I'm still capable of doing. I looked at the mirror again and think about life ahead. I'm worthy in the eyes of the Lord. So I focus on God's plan. I prayed for enlightenment and peace of mind. I prayed for additional wisdom to accept the things I have no control and additional strength and courage to wind off life's negative impact. Eventually, it works! Prayers always save my day.

I know I am destined for something big in the days to come. God seems whispering it to me. In every word I typed, in every thought that flowed from my mind. Life is wonderful and it has to move on despite bad days and rejection. It finally came to a point that I felt very tired, trying to connect with the people whom I want to be with but I received nothing but rejection and abandonment. I'm always being refused to be a part of their lives so why insisting? 

It's time to put value to myself and focus how to let it sign. I don't need an anchor, after all. From now on, I will keep things to myself and stop crossing the ocean. The story of success has just began, Thank you Lord for always saving me from life's negativity and for granting me a peace of mind.

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