Sunday, August 16, 2015

True Love Never Actually Waits

More than a year ago, I posted this audacious longing “True Love Waits”, for thinking that maybe it only takes a matter of day or days before I could finally meet my soulmate and we would be falling madly in love, go somewhere to experience life and sail to the sunset of our lives together. 

But days rolled into weeks and weeks rolled into months and meeting my soulmate remained a distant phenomenon. Eventually, my belief that true love waits eroded, convincing myself that it is only a futuristic wish but never actually true.

Moment after moment, my belief towards myself faltered and my self-confidence diminished. It seems no one wants to take me in and no one wants to know me better. And as with the past history of my waiting moment, things halted even before it started and I coiled back to my cocoon and gave up the idea of still stumbling on the one. I finally accepted the fact that I am not destined to be with someone whom I like.

But grieving over a lost dream or fretting why someone did not dash towards me and preferred other people to be with, is a waste of time. Life is precious and I don’t want to spend each day agonizing over why I could not get what I want, why someone has turned away and why I am always overlooked. Eventually, I stop asking myself what’s wrong with me, I know there’s nothing wrong with me, it’s just that all men I like preferred another human being. There’s nothing I can do about it because that’s beyond my control.

The other night, I was with my two best friends and we talked so many things, including our dreary love life and our failure to be with someone we love. One of them suggested of why not considering the possibility of turning into legitimate dating sites where we could possibly meet someone who would love and value us.

We ended up laughing, OMG! I have never thought about it, you know flaunting myself in a dating site as if I am some kind of a fabric already displayed for bargain. I know I am on the verge of desperation but I still want a Filipino guy to be with, someone who has the same interest with me, whom I shared the same passion and life preferences. Although I must admit that as days progressed, the possibility of meeting the one whom I truly love sounds so remote but still I am not losing hope.


Tuesday, August 4, 2015

Broke

There’s nothing wrong in my surrounding. The universe did not turn upside down. The horizon stood still. But no matter where I dart my attention, everything seems not okay, and each passing day is really a real struggle. I know it’s not about the world I lived but all about myself. My confidence, my impatience, my views about life and my angst towards a very judgmental and unfair society.

Life had pushed me to my limit, in a state where nothing to grab except desolation. It feels as if I am badly cursed and destined to live miserably. No one wants to take me in, no one wants to know me better. Everyone misjudged me. Everyone is rejecting me. I lost my vibrant appetite in life and want to hide from everyone. I want to empty my mind from analyzing things hoping that one day everything would change, everything would be different.

I am not experiencing a quarter life crisis but deep inside, my system is rambling and I felt all my dreams are slowly disintegrating. I've wasted years of my life chasing contentment and stability but each time I give my full determination to make things happen something bad is bound to happen and I tossed back again to square one.  What's with all these wretches? Why I cannot simply get what I want? As if my life is cursed and there's someone or something is trying to pull me down.

I am tired absorbing all these torments and distress. Time is slipping away and I cannot afford further delays.