Saturday, November 16, 2013

That sort of thing called emptiness...


The trouble with life is, when you already figured out what you want and determined to get it that's when tiny pieces of emptiness started bursting, which made you feel like a total failure. Did I overestimated my plans and decisions and too confident with my journey?

When I decided to come to Manila some months back, I thought there's no turning back, I thought that's all what  wanted. I was so preoccupied with the rosy thought of living in a bustling city where energy and fun never sleep, where dreamed job can be easily achieved, I was so busy thinking how I would spend each day strolling around the lively street and elegant landmarks, how I would spring to life and put color on it, how I would recapture the wasted moment of joy I did not truly experience in Davao. Excitement after excitement, fun after fun, leisure after leisure, until I got my first job and see the opposite side of it, reality started to sink in.

The happiness I felt was very temporary, until I realized, the game plan I created was nothing but a fallacy. It was so unrealistic and it dawned in my mind that not all vibrant things other people appreciated are suited to everyone. The satisfaction I felt was just an illusion, a mask to the pretension I created within myself.

But it' just so meaningless to start regretting the things I've decided upon, it's just not right to blame either or to spend every minute of the day cursing my destiny. I'm simply tired of it and just want to focus identifying things that can make me truly happy and maybe start rediscovering myself and figure out where I am heading before emptiness ruin myself.

Sometimes it's ridiculous to think that at one point in our journey, we created permanent decisions for wrong and temporary reasons. Sometimes we misunderstood the things in our environment then hastily jumped on wrong conclusions.

Oh God! Why I felt so empty and so lonely? How can I stop this? I regularly pray of course, but at this point in time, I am unsure what God wants me to do and what lessons He wanted me to learn and where He wanted me to start living a meaningful life, I need enough time to discern my fate thoroughly.

On the other side, I felt so lucky because despite the escalating unemployment in the Philippines, I am so fortunate that I have a job and enjoying a decent salary, in fact I am very blessed because I worked in a prestigious establishment with very good benefits for employees, something I've been looking in an employment, but why I am still not fulfilled? Why I felt so deprived with life and still looking for something else? Felt like I am lost in the forest and needed a compass to locate again the road I would suppose to travel.

Why I felt like a total mess?

Maybe because some of my decisions were created for wrong reasons. I wanted to run away, from pain, from hurt, from everyone and everything else who knew me and wanted to start a new life in a place where nobody knows me and live happily ever after, abracadabra!

Now I realized, that part of fairytale is very tragic, a complete disaster because in reality, no one can really live perfectly-happily-ever-after, no one can really find that wonderland, there's no such thing as perfect existence, perfect decision.

Tired and weary how to ease the emptiness I felt, I tried texting a long time friend hoping to find serenity and peace of mind. He responded fortunately. So I started pouring in all the anxieties I felt, he sent me positive messages. His  words helped lessen the emotional burden I carried.

But through out trying times, I never cease praying and asking God's assistance, the emptiness and disappointments I felt only strengthened my faith in Him. I know I can still see a beautiful light of hope in my life in the days to come.

Oh God grant me the serenity and peace of mind and help ease the emotional burden I am carrying now, there's no one to turn to expect in your consoling embrace.

I found solace from this very meaningful verse in the Holy Bible:

 "Everything that happens in this world happens at the time God chooses". (Ecclesiastes 3:1-11)

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