Sunday, December 2, 2012

Low Point

Have you ever been in a situation where things are just so unbearable?

It feels like hell lately.

Everyday, I would look at the mirror and see nothing but a wretched girl trapped in the abyss of nothingness. Everything is a bloody pretense, I would go to the workplace with a fake smile, a dull enthusiasm, a dreary temper.

Watching myself rolled into desolation, I wondered why I allowed myself to invest too much emotions. Why I never learned a lesson from the past?

It feels like I am in a torture cell wondering what my torturer would do next.

It was as if someone had screamed, "hey, idiot didn't you know you're horrible?you're ugly and you are not really valued and appreciated and nobody really wants you and I only think about you if I have something to ask or I need some help and beyond that you are nothing but a useless crap!"

So emotionally draining.

And I don't want to go on like this. I did so many sacrifices already and wasted so many years yearning for that miracle to land in my palm, to no avail. But I've no regrets, taking sacrifices is not bad. At least I've tried and took risks.

But now, I think I had enough. It's time to save what is left for myself, for my self-worth. I don't want to spend another day thinking why my sacrifices did not pay off. The world is a fantastic place to live and I know life is great and as bright as the brimming sunshine.

I must do something. I must make a decision before despair will consume all my hopes. I need to move out from this state of misery.

Sometimes you need to open your eyes and mind to see what's going on. And just accept thing the way it is.

I don't want to burn bridges, I just need enough time to heal, to think about myself, to find my own place where I could have peace of mind, but first I must allow emotions to subside, to vanish completely.

I just want to be honest now, with what's deep inside. It's just so hard to ignore. But it would never be reciprocated I know it. So I want to extinguish it completely, I want to forget everything and dart my attention to other useful things.

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