Monday, December 17, 2012

Frustrating Weekend

Felt extremely bad.

I wasn't able to watch "The Hobbit" in cinema, I've been waiting this film for years to get its way to the theater but when it finally arrived there's no one to go with. None of my friends showed interest on it. Their movie type is that damn shit cheap mistress concept film I find cranky and dull-witted. I prefer historical and adult fantasy films so we are not on the same league. I never dreamed to go to cinema alone, so I ended up fretting in my room cursing my destiny why I could not be with somebody.

But when I got back to myself, I thought, it was not because of my failure to watch The Hobbit in cinema that caused my distress. There’s more into it.

There's this old...really, really old unresolved issue that kept thudding inside my brain and still hanging in my horizon. You know the feeling when you keep on promising yourself to stay calm and relax and thoroughly forget the unreachable things that could never be realized and yet your mind wrangled and kept insisting to give it another try, to prolong the sacrifices, to take more risks, to invest more patience and energy because you believe that life is super generous.

Now my misery skyrocketed. Why it's always have to be like this? It seems I committed a horrible mistake in life that I have to keep repaying it.

It’s December, supposed to be the joyous month of the year, but it felt like Holy Week. Looks like distress and resentment would never go out of my life. Why I suffered so much, what have I done so wrong to deserve all these tormenting circumstances.

Sometimes I pondered what if I would just vanish to allow time to eradicate those traces of sufferings and start a new life? But the question is where would I go? Am I ready to live a life of a beggar? How about my dreams? Am I ready to give it up?

But this is not the time to remorse and mope. Christmas is the happiest season of the year and I am lucky that I have something to eat and spend for the holiday season. I am very fortunate that my family is safe and we are all in good health.


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