Saturday, October 1, 2011

Charade

What had I done so wrong to deserve all the bad treatment and never-ending rejection?  

Okay, I've been asking this oh sooo familiar question for the past years and my nerve is quite numb with its impact...but today, finally, I give up..I couldn't take it anymore...the effect is too much...

I cried...for the lost friendship...I mean the "panghihinayang" thing...but I don't want to endure another repeat performance of being severely humiliated or treated as if I am nothing but a garbage...

Today is just one of those episodes when I think how other people used me, pretending to treat me nicely if they just need something, but during the time they want to hang around  or just want to spend time leisurely, they deliberately forget that I exist, all they consider and think are other people, spend dinner or lunch or whatever.Why is that so? Why suddenly it turned that way?

But please don't ever think that I am sourgraping...I am not...I am only wondering, you know, very appalled, simply astonished why in private conversation it seems there's closeness, there's apparent ease or familiarity as if no exact words can describe it...but in public, they don't consider you worthy, they don't even remember that you exist...and I am wondering why...I simply hate this inconsistency, why a bloody pretense? It appears that I am only used as a SPONGE....I don't want to be treated as such....I am a person and not an object.

I've been keeping a sort of "hinanakit" stuff in my heart for a long time and it finally exploded when I discovered something, just today....why that person always exclude me as if I am an impossible bastard or my face is badly distorted or I have a dreaded disease that should be avoided?

It's just very painful to know that the one you trusted so much, the one you cared most, is the one who will  ignore you badly.

I am very tired going over and over again with this same old story. And maybe I have to stop it.....I have to cut my foolishness for a certain thing that's so impossible to happen....

I cried  when I finally realized that everything is just a charade...very upsetting...but I have to keep my distance to spare myself from further resentment and distress...TODAY, finally, my eyes are opened realizing a sad reality that people never genuinely treated me a worthy individual.

It's so tiring....insisting yourself to get in, to take part, keep on reaching out, when the other party keep detaching,distancing and running away...maybe he is thinking "Hey girl didn't you get the message that I'm avoiding you??Okay, dear, don't worry, now finally, I got it, so nothing to worry about, I will keep my distance.

This charade is terribly damaging emotionally....that I decided to turn my back forever...it's time for me to walk on a different road...

As the old adage goes: There's always wonderful thing on the other side of the road just keep on walking and never give up...I will start my journey to a separate road right now....

Hope to find what I am searching for...hope God will finally grant my prayers and wishes....this time..

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