My humble apology did not set quite well and did not melt the stiffness that divide between the now visible barrier. So I lifted everything to God and just wait for the final judgment of my destiny.
To save what is left for my system, I bushed myself with intense household chores: scrubbing the floor, doing laundry, dragging my bed and the little wood cabinet into a different position. As if it was not enough, I buried myself into reading books until midnight then concluded the last 30 minutes listening to heartwarming songs to help me drift to sleep.
Every time I am down and ready to freeze with emptiness, I seek comfort to music, from James Ingram, to Barry Manilow to Serge Mendez to Billy Ocean, sad and moving songs softly filled my spirit with its comforting melody and somehow lift the burden inside.
Well, when you are in the lowest point, it is easy to convince yourself that the world played unfairness and that you've had months of bad days and you've burnt every food you've cooked. Well, music, with all its degree of sentimentality and sweetness can turn bad days into a fair one. OK, today is a disappointing day but tomorrow or next day things might be different and not like this anymore.
Since taking a two-week leave from work, I remain confined in my room either doing writing work, or just scribbling important notes. Sometimes I would take a trip to a nearby net cafe to check my inbox for paid tasks for my blogs. Then devoted my free time reading books about royal family.
I re-read (hmmm about four times already!) the book "The Royal Sisters" by Anne Edwards, a true-story of the private lives of Queen Elizabeth II and her only sibling, the late Princess Margaret. I was amused with the latter's wit and humor and how she would make their father, King George VI, laughed.
One lazy afternoon while resting at Windsor Castle, Princess Margaret nudged her father an intriguing question, "Papa what is love? how one can you define and recognize when it is real and when it is not?" the book did not relate how the King answered the curious question of his then 14-year-old younger daughter, but the question made me bounced unexpectedly from my chair and rolled my eyeballs to the ceiling of my bedroom. So what is it?
Of course, after inflicting myself with blurred, hazy and unsure "stuff", finally, I know how to answer it with all honesty. Well, it's love when every stuff in your environment suddenly shimmers with a strange spark, when a little detail of that person insignificant to others seems fascinating to you, it's love when you are incredibly comfortable with each other. It will not just hit you in instant, not a week or a month, it will slowly develops, it takes year before you noticed its blossoming buds. Genuine love can only be felt once in a life time and when it happens, you know you are standing at the crossroad of your life.
Princess Margaret eventually found the answer, eight years later. But time did not cooperate. Though the Princess recognized its genuine impact, destiny rewrote her path. The happiness she longed and her wishes to be with the man she greatly loved denied to her by circumstances and eventually carried the burden of pain to her grave.
Life, though often very generous, sometimes can be very tricky.