Friday, February 4, 2011

Hello Diary!!

Hello blog!!

I did not post anything for the whole year in 2009 because I got so busy with my ROYAL WORLD blog and from writing online so I slightly neglected this personal site.

So what happened to me in 2009 hehe! Well, I maintained writing in my personal diary of course but the entries cannot be listed here because those are very personal and just for my journal, so many worries dangled in my mind, so many heartaches, pain and all the negative emotions, hanged in my horizon and for the past years all those baggage, emotional upheaval, upsetting moments gushed in.

Hopefully this year I will feel better, as I always have said, I feel vindicated and it's enough to pacify my disgruntled self.

Anyway here's some of the notes (the censored one haha!) I want to share to the readers, how's my years 2008 to 2009.

MY YEAR 2008

My last entry for this blog in the year 2008 was July so I might as well provide a summary how the rest of the months in 2008 felt like.

Like any other ordinary woman my age, I was eager to find out what life in the future would look like, so in 2008 I started building dreams, formulating, experimenting tried and tested ways of uncovering mysteries about falling in love. But that was it, nothing more. No exciting phenomena happened.

Towards April, my excitement grew as we visited Baguio City for our retreat. It was my first time to travel via air, very memorable because it happened on my birthday!Wheew! no amount of happiness could describe my joy at that moment. We arrived in Manila at 9:30 in the morning. 

It was a nice trip, lots of laughter, lots of thrill and great anticipation. We reached Baguio City at night and my stomach started to rumble with nausea. At Betania I found out that the weather was really intolerable so I trembled hard while unpacking my clothes.I went to bed each night with thickly covered clothes.

We'd a nice session because or retreat master, Fr. Rex of the Society of Jesus of the Ateneo de Manila, gave his lectures with lots of humor so we ended up laughing loudly at every meeting. He made us super relax, we just listened to his lectures, no activity or group sharing, so it was fantastic!

A day after our retreat sessions, we toured around Camp John Hay at the PMA training camp, we got a chance to visit the Strawberry Farm, the Burnharm Park, the Presidential mansion and other beautiful spots in Baguio. Five days later we're back in Manila with a great contrast! The weather was punishing and the environment was full of dust, I detested it. But still lots of adventure had taken place. I got a chance to ride in MRT, went to ABS-CBN compound and posed at Pinoy Big Brother house. I went to Trinoma, Rockwell, Greenbelt and Megamall with my sister and a college friend. We're back in Davao on the 10th of April.

I also joined the engineering faculty in the island hopping a week later. By November, NTP recollection was held at Eden Nature Park in Toril, Davao City, so once again, I had a great time with my colleagues frolicking around the area until 5:00 in the afternoon. 

This was the year I built dreams around my small world, believing in my own judgement that I can sustain it up to the finish line. I thoroughly convinced myself that everything was magical and that the emotion I nurtured was accurate. But until December bids goodbye, my questions remained unanswered.


MY YEAR 2009


The little shaky boat I carefully maneuvered for the past years finally sank. Though I anticipated its demise, I never thought it would come so drastically. 

But why it happened? I asked this question endlessly until sunset.

A year ago, my prayers became more intense pleading to God to show his “special gift” before my age suffered a convulsion, but as days rolled into months and into years and into a decade, still no Prince Charming is visible in my horizon.

Until my longing became a real agony.

Confusion and bitterness started to invade my tired brain. So much so, that when I spotted an opportunity to be closed to a good guy, I wasted no time. Well, that was a sort of eagerness that plunged me more to severe anxieties and heartaches due to a wrong footing of assumptions.

That was so crazy and funny and stupid, a wrong signal brought by a bad weather.

You know when the shades of light...the bright morning...the leaves...and the raindrops... suddenly shimmered with unrealistic sparks, when the tiny details about that person that are insignificant to others seemed fascinating to you...well...that’s what I thought about Love...urrgggh!..crazy stuff about love. Without thinking these silly thoughts had nothing to do with reality.

Now I understand that feeling could not be bartered, it will just come naturally...sadly it did not come naturally to him...he felt love...to another person..oucchhh!

Of course life is what we make it and we are responsible for our own happiness, we are free to make our own choices where we could be happy...that's what he did exactly...a decision that should be respected...of course...

Everything fizzled that day.

I went home with a dilapidated heart, unsure how to renovate the cracks. I just wish God will touch it to regain its lost luster. Spending holidays with family and friends temporarily gave me relief.

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