Monday, January 10, 2011

Why??

It’s getting too late…halfway past midnight…

But I am still awake, rolling eyeballs on the blank ceiling while listening to the thudding of my heartbeat. What is it?
  
The midnight silence…cold thoughts…distress…pain from deep within…seemed tearing me apart…again.

But why this odd stuff reappeared like a restless ghost?

In the last part of 2009, everything went messy, but towards the first quarter of 2010, I managed to reconstruct my self-esteem. I wanted to be strong, I wanted to forget everything, I wanted to take a different route, away from the thorny road I was traversing for the past three years. I thought it was easy…to pretend that I already buried everything….emotions…whatever you may call it.

But late this year….end of November perhaps….another thing…another name (which sounded like a Russian cosmonaut who made history as the first person to travel into the space…Gagarin more or less) made me choke in despair…again...But Why? Suddenly this question resurface again, like a dreaded ghost…why? I thought I would never ask this question again...but it seems old wounds reopened..but why???

Now I know everything is not well again…that there’s animosity –underneath, I could feel it, but what is it? I don’t know, I am not interested to find the answer, maybe I want to leave it that way and focus to profitable and worthy things in life. But alas! Through all these months that I kept assuring myself that I am okay and had accepted everything…was only a charade…a great deception…to myself.

I figured out…maybe it is still clinging in my system…because I was not completely detach…from the line… or whatever…

Now I want to cut it…to save what is left for my self-esteem….I want to forget everything…I want to change direction…for good.

I've decided to remain silent and “invisible”

…and…“out of coverage”…and hopefully…my mind…this time… will finally stick to the word “Goodbye”


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