Friday, July 2, 2010

A Good Start


The decision to attend graduate studies gives vigor to my "worn-out" inner self and boosted my self-confidence, it feels as though I found the right place at last where I could be myself, rediscovering my potentials, my dreams and longing for an independent life.

The emotional turmoil I suffered last December 2009 almost left me with a battered spirit, but I managed to pick up the pieces somehow and rebuild my crumbled dreams and hopes, slowly, I figured out what's best for me. Now, I am carefully building my parameter and closely guarding my territory from rude "outsiders" to spare myself from another round of humiliation and rejection.

I want to maintain my distance to avoid being trapped again, though I want to remain a friend, I don’t want to retain the closeness anymore because it’s too stressful to pass the same road, I don't want to stumble along it's clutters--too risky, and I am afraid I might not be able to cope up with its consequences if everything will be back again.

I want some peace of mind and I can only attain this if I would temporarily break the ties, maybe in three years time the humiliation I suffered and the pain I terribly felt will be completely healed and can face the world with fairness and with no traces of heartaches.

It’s too difficult to pretend that I was not badly hurt with those humiliating words, though I already discarded those spiteful lines and the whole event, still the morsel of arrogance and hostilities lingered in my mind. The humiliating episode still haunted me and keeps spinning in my mind. I am not sour-graping, I just want to give myself a little respect and protection from manipulation.

There should be a gap, it is too difficult to move on if “all lines of communications” are still open, I am afraid I might be used again or exploited and abused my “being too kind”, I already developed this trauma from exploitation, I was terribly used and I was too naive to detect the dangers early on. Maybe because I was over confident, so relax that people in the modern world couldn’t do harm towards fellow men. Now, I must guard my territory and set my own limitations to avoid stomping on the wrong road of ridiculous assumptions.

It might not be a big deal to others, but the impact to my self-esteem is awful and appalling, the exploitation, the humiliating words, the feeling of rejection really wounded my soul deeply. Now I am slowly recovering from all those rants, though not completely (because the scars penetrated deeply), I am hoping everything will be totally forgotten in due time.

I am still capable to be loved, to be respected and to be admired by other people, I will just have to wait for my turn, for my right time to come, because God's time is always perfect.