Sunday, January 24, 2010

Butterfly Kisses

So goes the sweet song of Bob Carlisle. 

Tripping down memory lane is always a welcome respite...Everything was so perfect then. I thought magic of innocence never end.

I practically grew up in a farm with nothing between us but beach, streams, valleys and lush green forest. My father, though working in a government office at that time, maintained a farm with a breathtaking landscape and scenery. I could see wonderful sunrise and spectacular sunset in a day and a dramatic moonlight which magnified like a silver thread in the nearby river at night. it was an amazing childhood years. No complication, no worries, no anxieties.


Spending a quiet afternoon at the beach with my beloved brother last Christmas 2009. My childhood memories still confined at the lush green farm where I grew up, no matter where my footsteps drag me in the future, my longings still belong to the place where I spent most of the happiest moments of my life.

My father, who also served the Catholic church as a lay minister, never allowed us to go out unaccompanied so I and my sister remained secluded in our farm, playing only with our cousins. 

Our farm is composed of rolling hills, an orchard, rice and coconut fields, fruits, vegetables, rootcrops, a poultry farm, livestock. Sadly, when I was in high school my father sold all our properties and moved to a nearby town. It was a little bit sad and up to now, I still haunted by those memories.

Literally, I was raised up in a very strict Catholic environment where decency and modesty are the key rules, talking sex was a taboo and taking a boyfriend while still in school was extremely damaging. 

So I made this crazy covenant with the Lord when I was in second year high school, “Lord please don’t allow me to have a boyfriend while still studying”. And it seems God heard all my prayers because He didn't allow anybody to come into my life. it felt like I was constantly protected with a giant halo. When I entered college, I was even more determined to stay loyal with the covenant I made.

I deliberately refused to be closed to guys, as a result, I didn’t remember any of the boys in the class when I finished college. Then I got a job in the university where love is as difficult to find as a functional bathroom. I was assigned in the engineering office and I remember turning white when the acceptance letter handed down,you know why?
Marihatag Tree Park beach resort, few miles from our home 

Because I will be working with boys! Urghhh I’d never thought about them before and now I will join their frightening world, how horrifying. Aside from my brothers and cousins, I couldn’t remember any names of boys in my circle. So many restrictions when I was still in school, "don’t talk to them or go with them or never get to close to them", it was as if men are explicitly dangerous creatures, more terrible than vampires and zombies.

But everything went smoothly because the “boys” turned out to be nice and easy to be with. Alas! I got another covenant with God, “Lord don’t show Mr. Right until I can publish a book or write articles in a magazine”, sounds stupid, but I kept repeating this line in my prayers to make sure it will be heard accurately.

I was not sure if that’s what I really needed after all.

Eventually I got suitors (of course!kala nyo wala) but no sparks from within, besides, I want to be alone first, concentrating building crazy dreams, so I was unconcerned with their pestering intentions. When guys insisted, my mind would automatically grasp countless reasons: “oppps!he is not cute…he has this bulging eyes as if pop eye came to existence…oh I don’t like his smoking habit, grrrrrr he has this disgusting shape of hands" and the silly reasons goes on and on and on, until the road of finding Mr. Right became bleak and blurred.

Reality Sucks!

My prayers became more intense and pleaded God to show his “special gift” before my age suffered a convulsion, but as days rolled into months and into years and into a decade, still no Prince Charming is visible in my horizon. Until my longing became a real agony. 

Confusion and bitterness started to invade my tired brain. So much so, that when I spotted an opportunity to be closed to a good guy, I wasted no time. Well, that was a sort of eagerness that plunged me more to severe anxieties and heartaches due to a wrong footing of assumptions. That was so crazy and funny and stupid.

I tolerated the messy circumstances because I was on the verge of losing patience with my uneventful destiny. It was so messy that sometimes sent my mood to purgatory. Well, It appears to be perfect at first that I thought God played favoritism in me and granted everything I requested.

You know when the shades of light...the bright morning...the leaves...and the raindrops... suddenly shimmered with unrealistic sparks, when the tiny details about that person that are insignificant to others seemed fascinating to you...well...that’s what I thought about L-Love...urrgggh!..crazy stuff about love. Without thinking these silly thoughts had nothing to do with reality, I mean with the opinion of the "other person".

Of course life is what we make it and we are responsible of our own happiness, we are free to make our own choices where we could be happy...that's what he did exactly...a decision that should be respected...of course...

It was so silly to think but I misinterpreted his intention of just establishing a pure friendship. So pure he felt grisly and seemed horrified when I asked him about "emotions--little crazy, useless emotions", Jesus! he felt like running around and screaming with thunderous words like "yucks help me, I don't like this girl!"

Gosh! It sucked..and my self-confidence faltered to the bottom of my self-esteem. Everything fizzled that day. Life sometimes played tricks and deceptions, but the most important thing is, I discovered these crazy games and charade before ruining every dream I am capable of building...but I never regretted the night I launched my missile, er, my stupid inquiries, because it finally released my mind from anxieties. 

Decoding a Secret Message from God

Eight days before Christmas, when everybody is anticipating a grand Christmas celebration, I was destined to experience a different "gift"..

GOD decided to solve the perplexity of the situation in a different twist. Right then, I believed the LORD loves me so much and doesn't want me to suffer further tribulation. God relayed his sacred message through His good servant, the Prince of the Church (official title of a Cardinal). It was only last New year (Jan.1, 2010) that I fully understood God's sacred message..that the event was not a mere circumstance, that it was God's way of protecting me, of shielding me.

Cardinal Gaudencio Rosales of the Archdiocese of Manila, came to Davao City to lead the culminating celebration of the Diamond Jubilee year of the Archdiocese of Davao on December 17, 2009. 

I was ecstatic with this rare encounter that I planned to post a "Note" in the social networking site painstakingly created by a Harvard dropped-out, MARK ZUCKERBERG, to express my happiness and how the Cardinal's inspiring homily had touched my life.
The Prince of the Church. His Eminence, Cardinal Gaudencio Rosales. His presence turned out to be a great blessing and my "eye opener" and finally believed God is a living God who cared so much.

And when I log-on to my account on Zuckerberg's site and started navigating the applications, it was then I discovered that I was living in the world of illusion for almost three years. That I only DREAMED a DREAM.

It was also then that I finally understood the message of the Lord why I should change direction. Of course, my first reaction was: Oh noh!why Santa Claus gave me a worst gift this Christmas? why it supposed to be this way? what had I done so wrong in life to deserve this pain?

It was a kind of pain that I would never want to experience again.

But I did not leave the battle field without launching my last bullet. So one night, I squirted every question that hanging in my mind for the past years and alas!He thundered words that made me deaf for 30 seconds. He flung in anger, squealed furiously and derided me with words only lunatic people can smilingly accept.

I was appalled with his insensitivity, why he was so rude the way he told me the truth? He could have told me gently and nicely without firing despicable lines as if I was a sordid woman who deserved to be maligned and not worthy to be respected. I have no plan to insist whatever stupidity I had, I just want to find out the truth, to clear things out.. you know, questions that bothered me for the longest period.

Was it wrong to ask? was it punishing to clarify something? granting it was the most horrible crime I committed in life, was it enough for him to sternly criticize me for being foolish? why he exploded in anger? But there's no point to search for answers, there's no point to spend every moment of my day wondering why he was very hostile..so I let it go.

After releasing everything to God and a little sharing to my friends, I managed to forget everything and get on with my feet.

After hours of hours of hours of contemplating my sad fate, I finally came to terms with my destiny that God prepared something different for my life, someone's better, someone who deserved my worth. After acknowledging pain, bitterness and remorse, I welcomed 2010 with a different focus, with a different radiance from deep with in.

When he said "I regretted the fact that I showed kindness in you", I was a little bit shock as I always believed kindness should be given unconditionally without any feeling of remorse or regrets. But that's his prerogative to say what he wanted to say, anyway.

My favorite Pope, the Vicar of Jesus Christ, John Paul II the Great . He never left my side at the time I needed his guidance most. Everyday of my life I thanked him for the great inspiration and the hope I carried in my heart that after misery, everything will be fine with my life.

I implored God's presence again and asked help from every saint I could find in the Catholic faith, even those people whose names are still on the waiting list to be beatified and to be canonized. The name of my favorite Pope, John Paul II (I kept two big size posters of his image in my room), magnified in my tongue a hundred times.

Luckily, it worked!I am completely relieved now and very contented with my life. 

I don't want to give him the impression that I held bitterness in my heart..NO!I am not bitter anymore because I am totally healed now, only that I wouldn't repeat the same mistakes again--assuming things wrongly.

Rissa Singson-Kawpeng is correct when she mentioned in her "Just Breathe" column of Kerygma, August 2009: "Men will always deny preferential treatment to a girl whom they are not particularly pursuing". aray ko!

Looking back, I am still surprised how things turned incomprehensible for the past three years. Oh well, that's part of a poisonous fairytale anyway. Thank God He finally decided to interfere and solved my burden. GOD is so good all the time. 

I found a simple, yet profound verse in the bible: It is better to trust in the Lord than put a confidence in a man (Psalm 118:8)

Finding the Right Way

Finding the right way is such an agonizing job, because you'll be forced to face your own limitations and emotional battles in order to unveil the strength and capabilities from deep within and recognized the right road that God prepared. 

It was not an easy road, but I managed to pluck some courage from my faith.

ON the 18th day of December, less than seven hours from the heated encounter, I woke up very early for the third Misa de Gallo, the sting of heartache was still clinging in my body but I forced myself to concentrate on the mass asking God to soothe my troubled spirit. I frequently asked forgiveness and begged to lift anger and bitterness from my heart. 


It was a bright Friday morning and while on our way to the reach-out activity at St. John’s parish, sponsoring a baptism of more than 40 less privileged children, I’d realized I cannot gain from remorse, so I decided to unload the emotional baggage I was carrying.

And the most unbelievable realization happened. After the reach-out, it seemed God patted my back, it feels like someone had touched my heart.

I was surprised how my mind quickly accepted my defeat, it seemed every pain I suffered vanished, and it feels like I am completely healed. There’s no point anymore to cry, to get hurt, to feel rejected and to feel devastated. 

There’s nothing I can do to fix the damage, everything won’t be back to normal so, in order for me to be totally relieved, I must acknowledged pain, anger and bitterness to go on the process of healing. It was very mysterious but it seemed God is on my side helping me realized that life never ended in misery and sufferings that there’s more into it.

I struggled to get back on my feet, cleared my vision and started appreciating important things I neglected.  Eventually I came out feeling renewed and recharged, it feels like I am a new person again.

For so long I was trapped in a stupid belief that our feeling is mutual, analyzing this greatest deception, I wondered why it took almost three years for me to realize my foolishness, but I am glad it finally ended to spare me from further humiliation. 

I believed that everything in life comes with a purpose, the pain I suffered is a realization that every time we express unconditional love, we must prepare its terrifying consequences, because the outcome might be surprising, away from what we’ve been expecting, but it’s always part of the package of loving, part of the great mystery of life. I should be thankful that circumstances allowed me to feel a love so pure, so true, so genuine, at one point.

There’s nothing I can do anymore to reconstruct my face to become a model or to appear in number of photographs with dangling earrings, or wear silly make-ups and despicable dresses, or spend everyday of my life in parties and socialization with creepy people, or go back again to college and took a high class degree. But I can reinvent myself the way I want it to be, the way God wants me to be and I don’t need to act in such a way that other people expected me to be.

Though everything seems different now, and I will no longer there when he needed something, I will never hate him for the pain and humiliation I suffered. 

I don’t want to burn bridges with him, after all, he is a very good friend and I don’t want to trash the eleven years of friendship just for a silly reason that he did not choose me. He is just a human being who deserved to be happy with his choices.


Life can be so tough sometimes, but the most important thing is that I recognized my worth before depression ruined every dream I am capable of building. 


It was a nice experience, because it helps me identify what things to be discarded and what things to be kept. I am ready now to sail my boat to the ocean of hope and very confident I can arrived at the shore of my dreams unscathed.

"Do not be Afraid to Love, even if humiliation comes, pain comes, suffering comes. We are children of GOD, we are created for a purpose, that is to love and be loved"--Mother Theresa

The Value of Waiting

Now I am happier than ever, after contemplating my fate and read the beautiful blog of Bo Sanchez about creating a happy relationship, I am now completely relieved. 

I finally stop asking "why I left in one corner unnoticed?", "why boys did not dash towards me?", these are self-defeating questions that ruined my road to emotional growth, so right now I carefully design my life and make it sure nobody will cross my parameter without asking my conscience first. 

The residue of heartaches brought by some humiliating words still dangling in my head but I let the agony passed and started to live my life in a different direction. Now I am contented with my life, no more hassles, no more confusions, no more “what ifs” because everything is clear now.period.

I also stop asking myself “what’s wrong with me?” because I know there’s nothing wrong with me. I let him cross my limitations that’s why everything turned into a wrong road, but now I know how to make things right and build my own boundary.

God is so good all the time, He let me recognized the danger zone before severe damages will inflict my whole system. God showed me the right path, the right direction where I supposed to be traveling. It’s not too late to build new plans again, I have still plenty of time to reconstruct my dreams. I am still capable of doing wonderful things in my life.

I bought Rissa Singson-Kawpeng’s book “Confessions of an Impatient Bride” a week ago and I was amazed with her wonderful story. The book tells a story of a woman's journey in life who couldn’t wait to be a bride, her struggle and sufferings along the way in finding Mr. Right and her realization why the Lord let her wait. 

God has different ways of revealing His great plan to us. He has a purpose why He allowed us to wait and wait. So that when that time arrived, we won’t break in pressure. There are delays but it's because He only makes it sure that His gift is very special.

And now I cannot wait to see that “Gift”

I learned so many things from Rissa Singson-Kawpeng. And my concept of waiting for Mr. Right deliberately changed after reading her story. She met her future husband when she was 36, got married when she was 38 and had a baby at 39 without any complications..and now she is 41 years old, very much young-looking, happy and contented with life.

The wrong concept of child-bearing and getting married and aging will forever made foolish and idiot people picked a bad decision. People who never understand clearly the mystery of life, who never know how to trust God and who never know how to define their real purpose of living, will surely missed out God’s special message.

Oh before I forgot, Bo Sanchez emphasized that in order to have a happy relationship, we must fill our hearts will self-love: Believe in your own worth, care for your needs, relate with the right God and relate with the right people

Now I will have to fill my heart with self-love first, appreciate my mistakes, figure out what things I need to accomplish and look around! Eventually, I stop asking myself with self-defeating questions: Why nobody noticed me? What is wrong with me? Because I know God created me for a specific purpose.


And I know my time has just began. I'll just have to stretch the fiber of my patience.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Pain! Just how terribe it is?

Hello my dear online diary! I haven't post anything in 2009 and felt so guilty :-P

As far as my baffling destiny is concerned, 2009 was my exhausting year for me. It was the year I genuinely felt the real pang of heartaches, well due to my own foolishness, no one drags me in pain, I just thrust it to myself.

But how was it really felt like? Here's a summary to that agonizing episode.

After years of struggle with my confusing destiny and months of apprehensions, I finally released my confusion and anxieties on the 17th day of December and finally discovered the nagging truth that everything was just pure illusion, it was as if I gone to sleep for a hundred years, and finally woke up to see my surroundings completely different from what I'd been anticipating, but nevertheless, I thanked God that he patted my back and protected me from further humiliation.

Looking back, I just can't help but ask: Why he allowed things to wheel into this direction? Why he prolonged the agony? He could have curtail his nice treatment and define his boundaries to avoid sending a WRONG SIGNAL. But he let it flowed for almost three years, but why?so many whys hanging in my brain, but I let it go anyway and accepted his reasons.

Well, I am glad it finally ended.

Then I figured, maybe he is unaware that the more he allowed things to get closer with a girl, the more it has meaning, maybe he did not understand it clearly. And now we have the greatest lessons in both our existence: avoid a close encounter with the unknown!

Emotions are very flimsy, the more you pay attention to it, the more it breaks you. It can be easily deceived you. Though he was furious and largely despised me for feeling such stupid thing and for assuming things wrongly, I could not condemn myself for being so naive to misinterpret the actions.

People in my circle (friends and faculty-whom I shared my story)assured me that there's nothing wrong with me and with my interpretations, maybe the guy, according to them, is not aware he is already crossing the boundary of just plain friends and something "different".

Well, it really gave me lessons not to allow myself to be deceived with this kind of game..Next time I will be more careful with my reactions and decisions to avoid walking the same road of illusion. I will never allow the same things to happen in the future, because it was really traumatic to be humiliated, it lessen my self worth and almost believed I am nothing but a useless girl desperately needed attention. Well, I am not.

But why the truth was told in a very rude manner?he could have told me gently anyway I can understand. But why he was so cruel?do I deserved to be maligned? All I wanted was just to clear things out and no intention to snatch him from his girlfriend, that's inconceivable and I will never do that.

Anyway, I let my confusion rest in peace, everything is clear now and I am looking forward for a wonderful life ahead, building dreams again for my future. There are plenty of reasons to be thankful for: a beautiful sunrise, magnificent rainbows and dramatic sunset.

Yessssss!Life is super generous if we just know how to look it wisely.