Thursday, December 30, 2010

GREAT THINGS!

GREAT!


This is my favorite expression when I want to emphasize something wonderful. So what are the great things I find really GREAT in life?
 Trendy bags I received
GREAT GIFTS (I received):
1. BAGS (I love pink!)
2. Pink Journal (a very wonderful Christmas gift--2007)
     3. Books (I adored books!)
     4. Rosary
     5. Cards (I treasured cards and other form of notes.hehe)
 The pink journal I received last Christmas 2007
MOVIES:

I am a big movie buff! Below are the few films I find GREAT:

      1. The Shawshank Redemption (Fantastic plot!)
      2. The Insider (brilliant dialogue and screenplay. Al Pacino is always the best)
      3. Lord of the Rings (all the three installments)
      4. Sense and Sensibility (I am a huge Jane Austen fan)
      5. Forest Gump (very simple, yet fascinating. What I like most about this movie is its amazing musical score, the sound track is great!)
      6. The First Knight (simply because this is a King Arthur-inspired film)
      7. Scream I (I love horror flicks. Scream I is not one of those flash-in-the-pan horror movies, it is intelligently made I should say, thanks to director Wez Craven)
      8. Interview of the Vampire (a classic horror story, oh did I say I love macabre movies?hehe)
      9. The Cutting Edge (This is my all time favorite when it comes to cute movies, the story is...uhmmm..simple cute and giggling)
     10. Down to you (well, speaking of cute and sweet and mushy, this Freddie Prinze Jr and Julia Stiles starrer is simply captivating).

FOODS (I eat):

    1. Yoghurt (plain or with mixture anything will do)
    2. Steamed Broccoli and Asparagus sprinkled with Olive Oil (super healthy, it is often called food for the youth)
    3. Wheat Bread/Brown Rice (simply healthy)
    4. All fruits (hehe)
    5. Black rice with minced provincial garlic-like herbs (this is my super favorite food back in the province)
    6. Crab stuffed with young coconut (this is my father's priceless recipe)
    7. Danggit (hahaha...I love to catch danggit during low tide in our place when I was still a young girl. I lived near along the seashore you know.hehe)
    8. Stewed Buko with malungay and salmon fish (sounds weird? No it's a very healthy recipe my father always cooked this recipe when we were still young)
    9. Baked Squash (This is another healthy stuff. I love it)
    10. Inihaw na Panga (pretty obvious because it is a fish)

DRINKS: well, aside from water, this is what I drink.
 My favorite brand of Green tea

     1. Green tea with honey (everyday)
     2. Fresh Kalamansi Juice (I always prepare squeezed fresh kalamansi four times a week)with honey
     3. Milk (fresh or powder)
     4. Wheatgrass with honey
     5. Fruit or vegetable shakes (when I am dining out)

GREAT LESSONS:
    1. From Rissa Singson-Kawpeng "Take it from someone who prayed for two decades and concluded it wouldn't happen. But God is so great and so faithful" (Rissa is truly a great inspiration! She is the present Editor-in-Chief of Kerygma magazine. She married at 38 and had a first baby at 39, now at 42 she's going to have another baby! So I should not worry anyway I am far from the age of Rissa when she got married.haha!)
   2. From Bo Sanchez "You will never be completely healed if you don't recognize pain, if you don't acknowledge that you've been hurt!" (Amazing!every time I am sad, I always read Bo's blogs. I've been a Kerygma reader since 1997 when Bo Sanchez was still single.hehehe)
   3. From Prince Charles, the Prince of Wales "Television is bad for children, it robs the natural imaginativeness of a child" (I know I am not a child anymore, but I agree with Prince Charles, television shows make us dull-witted. Good that I was trained since a child to refrain from watching TV. Now, except current affairs and documentary shows, I never watch television. It is extremely boring)
   4. From Diana, Princess of Wales "A woman instinct is always accurate" (she uttered this line during her interview in 1995 with BBC news commentator, Martin Bashir. Well the late Princess of Wales is right. A woman instinct is always accurate)
   5. From Pope John Paul II "It is in suffering that we see and experience the real love of Christ" (every time I suffer, I always remember this line from the late great pope) 
   6. From Jane Fonda "It's never too late to begin, never too late to start with (I agree!So why worry?)
   7. From Stephen Hawking "I just don't care about my disability (I admired his strength and positive disposition, despite his disabilities he still continue doing the things he believed could help change the world, he is a British Physicist and Mathematician, the remaining genius in the mold of Albert Einstein, Sir Isaac Newton and Galileo Galili)

GREAT THINGS I LOVE:
I love the cool and tranquil environment of the countryside, beach is always fantastic. The dramatic sunset, the wonderful sunrise. Rainbows. Tweets of the birds, these are the things I love.

I dreamed to build a house in a farm, the soft breeze of the mountain and the green surroundings give me peace of mind and serenity. I love pink, I love to smile, I love to giggle, I adored great conversation.

I plan to download songs of Barry Manilow, Billy Ocean, James Ingram, Dan Hill, Robbie Williams and all the sentimental music stuff to put in my laptop and just listen all day while resting. Amidst the busy schedule I am having now, I hope one day I could find time to relax in the beach (not to swim) and just eat and sit there and think about my life. Or have some walk in the countryside, in a small farm or in a mountain resort.

My idea of a perfect date is just walking in a beach or in a tranquil mountain resort and just talk and talk. I adored books!In my room, I am surrounded with books and magazines.
 My royal books collection
My books 
The seaside near our home in the province

…and THE THINGS I HATED

I hate pizza, I hate softdrinks, I hate boring people. I don't like parties and I don't want to hang around with people who resort to gossiping, it is utterly ridiculous. I just want to stay at home and read good books and write articles.

Great things in life are free! of course...so try to look around and see these amazing things.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

ANOTHER ONE DECADE

Two days more to go and 2010 will bid goodbye...next year is not only another year but ANOTHER DECADE...oh gosh! so what now??

 Am I going to start counting how many fine lines revealed every time I laughed or cry? No. In fact I don't have any fine lines visible in my skin surface yet. My healthy lifestyle helps a lot. My biological clock is not ticking so fast, in fact it is not entering red zone yet.

Last Night, I started writing everything I want to accomplish next decade. Contemplating again what my future looks like. Where my life is heading. I didn't come home this Christmas, contrary to what I'd planned earlier this season. I have so many task to do. I spent everyday, since December 23, writing case analysis and journal critiques for my marketing management subject in the grad studies.

I want to finish the 20 case studies, assignments, journal readings in order to free my schedule next January and February because I will going to start working on a home-based writing job. This is quite stressful as the demand of the job required me to write at least five articles and make a lot of research and readings, but it doesn't matter, I love it. It is where my world belongs, writing and research always make me feel complete, it is my happiness.

When I finish my MBA, I want to join entrepreneurship and make writing a lifetime career. I hate office work, it's like living in a hell!It feels like I am a robot, stupid and damn individual, but I have to endure it until I finished my grad studies

I felt guilty because I slightly abandoned my French audio tutorial lessons and my two fiction manuscripts I am planning to finish early next year but my tight schedule left no room to accommodate these tasks!It seems I am always running out of time that the twenty-four hour cycle is not enough to do the things I want to finish.

Personally, I am still struggling to eradicate the emotional upheaval gushing deep inside, it's just so utterly ridiculous to hope for some miracle to land in my palm so I darted my mind on some profitable things, but towards the end of the day everything keeps repeating like a broken record. Now I wanted to fly far away from here to avoid something, but of course even if I am running one hundred miles away, I could not run from myself, so better face it and wait how long my physical strength can endure the battle underneath.

I want to travel as far as Tuscany or Cornwall or Gloucestershire or Isle of Skye and take pictures! I want to explore the world and rediscover myself. It feels like I am concentrating on the future, so much so, that I forget life is happening NOW and not TOMORROW! I want to forget that I am a total mess, a total failure. I want to divert my attention from the humiliation I suffered which left a terrible mark in my self-esteem, I want to find out if other people find me interesting and attractive because it seems the devastating words of rejection still hovered in my horizon and refused to go.

Now, I am celebrating New Year alone...in my room with my laptop and my books. I want to spend time alone to think about my life as a whole, I want serenity and peace of mind to see the real road I am going to take. Last Christmas eve, I cried because I feel so empty and abandoned.

After attending the Christmas eve at the Ateneo covered court, I walked alone, but I could feel the soft breeze brushing my skin as if sweeping the sadness deep inside, I saw happiness in the surroundings, the laughter and giggling of the people in their houses, the Christmas lights sparkled like evening stars. I went to bed as soon as I reached my bedroom.

I never had any Noche Buena, on the following day, I woke up late until my stomach growled in hunger, I only ate oatmeal with hot green tea. I know I could be happier if I went home but I chose not to. My only wish is for God to take all the pain and hurt I suffered so that I can concentrate in rebuilding my crumbled hopes.

For the past decade, I am not sure exactly if I planned my life accordingly, it seems all plans I made scattered like pieces of dust into the horizon. I am still left wandering in this bare earth thinking where is the road I should suppose to walk in. Did I over estimate my goals? Or did I simply let things messed out around me. Of course I should not mop on things that already passed, I am still capable of doing things right on the coming years, but every time I looked back, I wonder why my destiny is forever welded in one corner.

Last decade, I am too preoccupied with my silly thought of getting married that I scrambled to find someone with a failed result. It's so silly but back then, I was busy writing my wedding script, sketching the house I want to build and preparing my wedding gown designs. I read books about parenting, about rearing kids, about finishing school. Gosh!

When 2010 arrives with no hint of Prince Charming, I totally crumpled my scripts and my plans. But...uhmmm...of course I found "the one", but I over-analyzed the circumstances and misinterpreted the signal, so I ended up thrown out on the road hemorrhaging in pain. I was able to get back on my feet though but the damage made me figuratively walk in "scratches" of dismantled self-confidence, though I was able to rebuild it, the pain forever damage my self-esteem.

Of course there are plenty of reasons to look back in the past decade.  Lots of beautiful things and realizations happened which fully developed my emotional maturity. I cried. I felt love and was able to see the real world with lots of complications and clutters. I discovered my weaknesses and strengths. I was able to go to far places like Baguio City and Manila in 2008, Camiguin this year and some side trip in-betweens.

I also discovered that internet is not only for browsing topics for research but also for extra income. In 2000, I realized that I should start meeting and talking with guys. For so long, I refused to be closed to any guy simply because I am afraid with them..hahaha! But no special relationships developed among those acquaintances because I find them extremely boring. In 2004, I felt my blood rose with pressure, so I asked God again to help me find "the one" but until 2006 arrived and departed, nothing happens. In 2007 I thought it was the year finally...well, finally, just like that...finally, I realized I am nothing but an extra character in all action movies worthy to be thrown and eliminated in the end.


Now, I want to try another plan, another dreams...I don't know what horrifying events again awaits me along the way, but whatever it is, I am confident I could wind up everything because I am already strong and better. I know already how to handle complexities...if ever I meet people with questionable motives, I know how to put my red flag on. I hope the coming decade would not punish me with so much pain, I am hoping this time, circumstances will cooperate finally.

So help me God...


Sunday, December 5, 2010

Lessons I learned from Stephen Hawking

I was a little bit disappointed when I wasn’t able to attend the Christmas Party of the Davao Bloggers Community last December 3 (Friday) because I had a class at 6:00 to 9:00 pm, but it was a blessing in disguise because we had a wonderful class discussion that night. My professor, a well-traveled lady who took up her two Masteral degrees in Australia and the United States, shared a very touching story about STEPHEN HAWKING.

 The crippled body of British Physicist, Stephen Hawking

For people who didn’t know Stephen Hawking, he is a British Theoritical Physicist, Cosmologist and a Lucasian Professor of Mathematics at the prestigious Cambridge University (a post previously held by another gifted Physicist, Sir Isaac Newton).

He earned his Physics and Mathematics degree at Cambridge and Oxford. Hawking is traditionally called the last genius (in the tradition of Albert Einstein , Galileo Galili and Isaac Newton) to survive in the 21st century.

According to his biography, Hawking is known for his contribution in the fields of Cosmology and Quantum Gravity especially in the context of Black Holes, his key scientific works include Theorems regarding gravitational singularities in the framework of general relativity and the theoretical prediction that black holes should emit radiation, which is today known as Hawking radiation.
 Despite his limited mobility and slurred speech, he continue sharing his knowledge as a Cambridge professor until his retirement this year. The machine attached to him transmitted his speech to coherent words. Cambridge University by the way is the recent number one University in the world edging out Harvard University in the 2010 survey conducted by several organizations.

But this scientist is plagued by a strange disease called “a motor neuron disease” which crippled his body and made him confined in a wheelchair, he looked like a “crumpled box” with a machine attached to his face ( this machine was invented by his Doctor of Physics students at the Cambridge University) to read the blinking of his eyes and to transmit his slurred speech into coherent words.

This noted man of learned science who had been nominated several times at the Nobel Prize Awards, awarded a Presidential Medal of Freedom in 2009 (the highest accolade a US President can give to a private citizen) for his great contribution to contemporary physics, published many books, actively cooperated with NASA for its space technology research (in 2009 Hawking was the first disabled person to take a zero-gravity flight) and yet, despite beleaguered with a life-threatening disease which limited his mobility and speech, he did not stop from doing what he believed could greatly contribute to human kind.
 During his zero-gravity flight in 2007

What amazed me more is that despite his incapacity and limited movements, he still teaches at Cambridge University, trained potential Physicists, published many books (his two world’s best-seller books are The Brief History of Time and The Briefer History of Time and one recently published book he co-authored with American Physicist, Leonard Mlodinow, The Grand Design, he also published a journal called God Created the Integers) and continue working on different research studies about Quantum Gravity and Cosmology. This genius is truly an inspiration!

But what really struck me about this exceptional human being is when my professor related the interview of Larry King, a renowned American TV host, with Hawking in his Larry King Live show on CNN. Here’s what my professor shared:

Two years ago when I was in New York, Stephen Hawking was there promoting his book “The Brief History of Time”, then I saw him being interviewed by Larry King, when the latter asked Hawking if he believed in God, the scientist said in a coarse voice transmitted by the machine “No, Larry, I don’t believe in God”

 “A year later, I watched Stephen Hawking again (who made another trip to the United States, in a wheelchair, promoting his follow-up book “The Briefer History of Time”) being interviewed by Larry King and asked the same question: “Oh Mr. Hawking I will ask you the same question because the viewers are interested to know your thought about God, Do you believe in God now?”

My professor paused and looked on our bewildered faces (I remember holding my breath while my professor continued sharing about Stephen Hawking) and she said to us “You know class I was struck with Stephen Hawking’s answer when he said in a slow voice “Yes Larry I believed in God, but not your God Larry, but the God of the Universe" (Larry King is a Jew).

For a scientist and one of the few remaining geniuses who once acknowledged that “the big bang was the result of the inevitable laws of Physics and did not need God to spark the creation of the Universe” to utter those lines was a great surprise! Hawking, for many years refused to believe that there is God.

But in his great work "The Brief History of Time", Hawking did not dismiss the possibility that God had a hand in the creation of the Universe. But few weeks ago, his latest book “The Grand Design” which centers on the big bang theory,  received criticism from Christians especially Catholic and Anglican church authorities.

Nevertheless, my admiration of Hawking is not on religious aspect (as I respected his views about it), but more on courage, bravery and wisdom. His astonishing ability to cope up with frustrations and depression, his unique courage to fight the insecurities and humiliation brought by his paralyzed body, despite his disability, he continues inspiring people with his discoveries and exceptional intellect.

Hawking described himself as “very lucky” despite his disease. In the span of many years battling for this illness, it did not hinder him from making influential discoveries and exploring possibilities of making use of his life while on Earth. The disease, which affected him since he was 21 years old, gave him only 30 years to live (according to his doctors, at that time he was only 40, now Hawking is already 68 years old) During the BBC Interview Stephen Hawking said "Being disabled, or physically challenged, makes no difference to how my scientific colleagues treat me apart from practical matters like waiting while I write what I want to say about the disability and being a scientist".

So I thought, why giving up on chasing big dreams?





MURKY WEEKEND

December 4

I woke up at 6:35 in the morning to prepare for our Advent Recollection at the Kerygma Conference. After taking a bath (in a haste because it was so cold and I had a slight fever that morning) I ate wheat bread with hot Green Tea as my breakfast. I felt so empty and down while going to the Central bank, too many clutters clogging in my brain, felt like I was carrying a megawatt emotional baggage.

When we arrived at the area, we took our seat at the far corner of the convention hall and waited for an hour before the conference started. I was only pacified when Bo Sanchez made his sharing. It was great, watching him talk live again pumped a different fulfillment. The last time I saw him was in November 2006 during his “Bo Talks” conference tour.

I truly adored him because of his wisdom and enthusiasm to spread the word of God. I admired people like him because they always reminded me of my father who is serving the Catholic Church as a Eucharistic Minister for more than 30 years now. I’ve been a Kerygma reader since 1997 and bought Bo’s very first book: You Can Make your Life Beautiful, in 1999.

But towards the end of his talk, I felt very uncomfortable, I twitched and fidgeted in my seat a lot and felt like the other side of my chest was being yanked by something sharp, I was not cooperating anymore, my friend elbowed me and asked why I was so silent, my mind flown somewhere that I thought it was so useless to continue attending the conference.

So when the first break was announced at 11:00, I excused myself and left the Central Bank. As I reached my bedroom, I closed my eyes and asked God the same repeated question I kept nudging for the past two years, “Why Lord?” But I know I couldn’t find answers if I just spend the whole afternoon sleeping.

After I ate my lunch, I went to the nearest internet café and surfed endlessly, I checked my Google Adsense and searched for publishing companies to send my book queries. Three hours later I went to San Pedro Cathedral, bought a newspaper (Sunstar Davao where our self-esteem workshop and photoshoot session with Davao Bloggers were featured) and attended the anticipated mass at 5:30.

December 5

The feeling of frustration and disappointment still hovered in my horizon at 7:00 in the morning but I had to fix myself for my appointment with the Davao Bloggers. At 9:00 in the morning I went to 13th Witch Design Studio with other bloggers for our photoshoot session.

We had to pose for several shots for an online catalogue selling Indian fashion accessories. During the photoshoot, which lasted for six hours, my disgruntled self-esteem clearly showed, so Lea Valle, the Studio owner and photographer (she is also the current president of the Davao Bloggers Community), need to coach me further to show some attitude in my angle, she kept repeating my shots as I couldn’t interpret clearly the different pose she wanted me to do and the mood that I was supposed to interpret with the clothes and accessories.

When I went home, I studied my reflection in the mirror while removing the heavy Indian-inspired make up and told myself: Cheer up! There are lots of wonderful things on the other side of the road waiting to be explored.
 This is my test shot for the fashion shoot. We posed for several shots wearing Indian fashion clothes and accessories for an Online Catalogue of Pankaj, an Indian House of Fashion. The photoshoot lasted more than six hours...waaah!
Sun Star Davao, December 4 issue. Our self-esteem workshop for Empowered Filipina Activity (EFA) and photoshoot session with the Davao bloggers landed on the second page of the said newspaper.LOL!

I went to bed that night still emotionally bothered, my mind found solace in prayers and sought God's aid to placate my troubled mind, after uttering prayers and asking God's forgiveness I drifted to sleep and wake up fully recharged.



Friday, December 3, 2010

First part of December

I always love writing. Every minute of the day when I am not busy and just resting in my room ( of course I cannot rest), I'll pull my journal and scribble every event and emotion I had...I just love writing... So here's what happened in the first part of December.

December 1 (Wednesday) - so frustrated because I wasn't able to attend the mass at the Cathedral. I made a promise last year to attend the mass every first Wednesday of the month but this second semester I have a class at the graduate school every Wednesday.

When I enrolled last November, I was supposed to free my Wednesday evening but then again, there was no other schedule for Marketing Management subject and I need to take this subject now to enrol global marketing next semester.

Anyway, I love this subject because it purely talks about business, consumer behavior, global economy and money, lots of money hahaha! I enjoyed listening to my professor who shared so many business tips, he talked about marketing research endlessly and I love research and hope to work in a research company someday. My professor, Dr. Danny Te, is the current program head of Addu's Business Administration, he is also a past President of Philippine Marketing Association-Davao Chapter.

December 2 (Thursday) - I had a terrible headache because I wasn't able to eat breakfast, my head throbbed intensely but I had to report to work because I don't want to consume my vacation leave, I plan to enrol next summer. Despite my condition, I still made an effort to attend my Management Accounting class at 6:00 pm because I don't want to miss the discussion and the case assignments. My headache subsided around 10:00 pm.

December 3 (Friday) - Doing some research for my assignment in Ignatian Leadership for Managers subject. We're going to report tonight the Vision, Mission and Goals of the Philippines for the next 50 years. But I am a little bit sad today because I couldn't attend the Christmas Party of the Davao Bloggers Community tonight at the B3 of NCCC mall because I have a class.haaaay! So busyyyyyyy..I finally decided also to follow the Thesis track of MBA, I want to work in a research company afterwards.

December 4 (Saturday) - I will be attending our Advent Recollection today which will be at the Kerygma Conference, Bangko Central ng Pilipinas, Davao City. Don't know what to expect, except that I am happy to listen to Bo Sanchez's lecture and sharing, I am anxious to know some "other matters" which made me super restless.

Monday, November 29, 2010

UNSTOPPABLE!

A colleague gave me two movie passes last week,  so I asked a female friend to accompany me to the cinema last November 29, Monday to relax.

We agreed to watch “Harry Potter” because my friend is a wizard fan. Unfortunately, the passes were valid only in a movie called “UNSTOPPABLE”, I frowned since I never heard such movie, but when I read the name of Denzel Washington on the poster, I know it is a great film.

And it was…

Unstoppable is one of the best rescue-themed movies I'd seen in recent years. The film made me curled my feet while watching the chasing scenes of the runaway train. Though it was not the most amazing action films Hollywood offered this year, it was far from boring.

The story picks on Frank Barnes (Washington) and Will Colson (Chris Pine), who played a railroad engineer and a conductor trainee respectively. They both had issues of misunderstanding with their respective families: Frank (maybe because of lack of time) with his two daughters while Will with his wife. Together they made a promise to mend it up when they return home, but one event would forever change the course of their fate.

The film opens with several trains panning on the railroad, in a distant yard, Dewey, a railroad engineer, maneuvered a locomotive cab connecting several cars loaded with toxic materials, to clear the area for the excursion train, carrying school children, to pass. He noticed a switch on his way not properly set, so he stoop down pushing the dynamic brakes in its lock. But after he inspected the switch, the brakes released, picking its speed, Dewey tried desperately to re-board but was unsuccessful until the train left the main line and roared away.

This unmanned cargo train runs at its high speed sending panic to railroad executives, police authorities and residents. The incident attracted media attention so it became a national news sensation. If the circumstances will run out of luck, the cargo train will derail into an elevated curve and will smash into the thickly populated area of Stanton, Pennsylvania colliding with several tank fuels below triggering a deadly combination of human destruction and environmental disaster.

There’s no way to stop this train from arriving to its final doom, than controlling the brakes on the locomotive cab, how their men could jump aboard on the runaway train leaves an agonizing question to the minds of the railroad executives.

The scene was intensely followed with a thrilling chase of rescue operations and the site of the approaching “killer” train to Stanton. Authorities tried desperately to use all resources: cars, airplanes, experts and intense monitoring both from the authorities and the police forces but everything went into vain until Frank offered for help.

Frank Barnes and Will Colston were on the opposite road boarding their locomotive cab, doing their usual assignment: picking cars and traveling it to the destined area. But while sharing their personal troubles on board, they were alerted by a railroad yardmaster to shift into a different railway to avoid collision with the unmanned train running wildly. Frank’s locomotive narrowly escape, when he realized the massive destruction the cargo train would implicate, he offered help. Will Colston, at first, was reluctant, but later on agreed. They were rejected by authorities, unsure with the outcome, but Frank was determined.
Will Colston (Chris Pine) in his attempt to connect the unmanned train to a locomotive cab he boarded with Frank Barnes (Denzel Washington)

The next one-hour-and-a-half is packed with daring rescue drama scenes, showing the chasing sequences in an exciting adventure of suspense and action. The fast-paced story and terrific cinematography add an electrifying tension that connects viewers to the adventure unfolded on the big screen.

The authorities helplessly watched the train passed through many curve lines, creating more damages on properties, they started evacuating the residents of the area of Stanton where the train is calculated to explode. Frank and Will threw effort to attach the unmanned train to their locomotive. As they took the brakes under control, the spectators, authorities and colleagues breathlessly watched the two trains approaching the dangerous curve railway of Stanton with tank of fuels underneath, when it finally halted to the ground, everybody breathed a sigh of relief!

Well, Unstoppable is not a boring film, though I cannot say it is brilliantly made as there are lots of loopholes (some important elements presented in the opening scene were missing), but this is one sort of a film I would love to watch all over again. The movie runs one hour and forty minutes, very entertaining that I temporarily forgot I still have many assignments to do, lol!

So when I got back home, I immediately worked on my papers (two cases from Management Accounting, one journal critique from Marketing Management and one VMG task from Ignatian for Managers then lots of chapter reading from these subjects..waaah!) and pondered hard on my fate again.

Monday, October 18, 2010

My Routine!

Lots of things to accomplish before the year ends and I am running out of time! Still so many tasks to finish! So I have to fix some routine to see things clearly.

This weekend (October 24) I will work on the Financial Analysis of BAYER GROUP for my Financial Accounting subject (our requirement for finals).

Allot 2 hours every night for my FRENCH LANGUAGE LESSONS. I am quite obsessed with this romantic language. I can read few French dialogue but need to master the French grammar's complicated agreement and usage. 

Continue working on two fiction books (historical romance category), I am aiming to finish the 10th chapter of each story before November comes. I am quite attached to one of the books and I could not wait to finish the whole story.

Do polishing and final editing for Quiz Master book to be submitted next week to one literary agency. I am preparing my book proposal right now.

Contemplating some sad romance stories for my short story book,  a collection of heartwarming love stories, so far I wrote four stories filled with bittersweet memories. I want the readers to go deeper with their emotions while reading, I want them to learn something from a failed romance, from heartaches and how to move on without the traces of humiliation and battered self-esteem.

Look for a film outfit which would accept my two scripts intended for screenplay. I have no plan anymore to publish these to local publication (as I originally intended) because I made up my mind to sell these scripts to movie outfit, indi film outfits would be okay for me as long as they will pay me..haha! 

Writing blog entries for my three active blogs: The Royal World, Lifestyle and Travel and Leisure. I totally abandoned Triond because their mode of income is so slim. I am still active in myLot, a forum discussion where you will be paid per post. 

Praying hard my books will be finally published so that I can resign from my work in the University (I am not happy anymore) and concentrate on writing at the same time put up a fashion business. I extremely love writing, it is only in this field that I can find true fulfillment and genuine happiness in life.

I am excited to enroll this second semester for my graduate studies, plan to take these subjects: Managerial Accounting, Human Behavior in Organization and Business Research.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Outing with Davao Bloggers

Wohohooo!I recently joined the unique group of bloggers -- the Davao Bloggers Community--and last night was my first outing with the group. My friend and colleague, Kathy Dacanay who had been with the community for several years now, introduced me to the group, wheew!

It was nice, we met at the Jose Rafael Coffee shop at Lanang at 7:00 pm, after our informal meeting where we talked about our blogging activities, the nature of our passion and on the upcoming events, activities and work shops and plans for blogging projects within the city and all through out the Philippines

We proceeded to the Davao TLC shop along Nova Tierra, a Korean shop for kikay accessories, facial creams and other women stuff. The store owner, Ms. Joeanne Agarano, offered us freebies so I picked several items including sunblock, facial creams, body wash and hair wash!

We talked about the importance of this community, the support from different members and how to establish ourselves in blogging. So the group decided to take one focus this year---BEAUTY, FASHION AND WELLNESS---because these topics are the latest trend and hot items in the blogging world and lots of establishments are willing to sponsor different activities related to these areas.

It was really a fun-filled activity with the group, I had a chance to meet other bloggers in Davao. I went home arouind 10:15 pm and gosh!my schedule was totally wrecked!argggh!I was supposed to work on several manuscript editing and research on Corporate Social Responsibility for my Business Economics report. 

But I had a great time with the group, I learned lots of things from them, tips on how to revitalize blogs and how to maintain the enthusiasm of my writing passion. I learned lots of "kikay" stuff too from Ria and Brendel, nice tips!

I am excited to join the community's next activities, there will be many workshops, blogging tour escapades and meetings. I am also excited with the Mindanao Bloggers Summit, hope this event won't overlap with my schedule at work and grad studies.

I am very thankful for the warm acceptance of the community. I am very inspired with the sharing of Ria Jose on the advantages of being bloggers. Haaaay!Now I want to buy a domain to get serious in blogging! Anyway, the group said we should have at least one primary blogsite.

Photos of our bonding and night out will follow later. I am still waiting for Lea to tag the photos on FB!



Friday, September 17, 2010

My Catholic Life

Last September 1 I attended the very inspiring Vocation Launching Mass at the San Pedro Cathedral celebrated by Bishop Capalla and 25 Diocesan priests. Though it was not a HIGH MASS (the longest Roman ritual mass), I was deeply touched with the solemn celebration and the large crowd. It was well represented by different religious congregations in the country. The Prayers of the Faithful were spoken in five international languages.

I am a devoted Catholic who, just like the late great Pope, John Paul II, firmly believed that JESUS CHRIST is the only answer to every question about humanity. I grew up in a very strict Catholic environment, my father had been serving the Catholic Church as lay minister for 52 years before taking an indefinite leave last year because of his cataract, he was a Pastoral Parish President for six years, he also conducted pre-cana lectures and pre-baptism seminars, my maternal grandfather was a guitarist in the church choir while my paternal grandmother served in the Apostolada and Legion of Mary groups. My two brothers and cousins were both Psalmists. My paternal uncle is now a lay minister also.

Back in our home, the first and the last words I would hear were the bible texts as my father would rehearse his “homily” for the “Celebration of the Holy Words” (the people who are authorized to conduct Holy Mass are those who received the sacrament of ordination) on the days when our parish priest had an out-of-town engagement. My father is a founding member of the Knights of Columbus in our town and a founding chairman of Family Life Apostolate, a Catholic family renewal group supported by the Diocesan.

I was taught that during tribulations, the only thing I could rely on is my faith because everything in life depends on it—sadness, happiness, contentment, success, failures, fulfillment. So when I am in deep trouble, I would just go to the church’s left wing and seated, there, I found solace and peace of mind than go to the mall and crowded places. Eventually, my life just revolved around my Catholic faith.

So last night, I became so sentimental, it was as if my heart will going to burst with gladness and fulfillment, as if Jesus seated beside me. Watching the environment jam-packed with people and devotees made my heart thumped with different happiness and contentment. When the congregation sang the wonderful religious song—YOU ARE MINE---I suddenly shed tears. Lots of things crowded in my mind.

My happy childhood, the vivid memories of accompanying my father to various religious activities, , the miracles I witnessed everyday how great the love of God is, how HE always shielded and protected me through all these years, who always steered me in the correct path of life. It was great! Then I remember my favorite world figure—Pope John Paul II, his influence, his compassion, his kindness, his unique ability to handle sufferings.

I uttered a prayer of thanks, offering my life’s journey to God. I lived the Cathedral with satisfaction and contentment in my heart. When I reached my room, I stared at the two big-sized posters of Pope John Paul II beside my bed and thanked him for the inspiration.

Destiny is a delicate process, sometimes it takes courage and exceptional wisdom to grasp the mystery surrounding it, but when your heart is filled with so much love and belief that Christ always performed miracles in different ways, everything will just turn fantastically—and that’s what made me so sentimental last night. God is so good all the time!

This song made me cry...

YOU ARE MINE
I will come to you in the silence I will lift you from all your fear
You will hear My voice I claim you as My choice Be still, and know I am near
I am hope for all who are hopeless I am eyes for all who long to see.
In the shadows of the night, I will be your light Come and rest in Me

Do not be afraid, I am with you I have called you each by name Come and follow Me
I will bring you home I love you and you are mine.
I am strength for all the despairing Healing for the ones who dwell in shame
All the blind will see, the lame will all run free And all will know My name

I am the Word that leads all to freedom I am the peace the world cannot give,
I will call your name, embracing all your pain Stand up, now, walk, and live


My Journaling Habit

Journal writing is a great relief, it helps me escape the clutters of daily life and offers consolation no person can. It allows me to talk without being judged. I can confide my innermost feeling without being humiliated.

I started keeping a journal since I was 13 years old. I find it very fascinating then, I was delighted with the fact that I could practice writing without dreading somebody might read my horrible English. Then I discovered the comfort and relief of pouring down anxieties and worries on the white pages. Journal writing gradually became my "refuge" and my “lifeline” when bad days made me think I am a useless creature.

In my journal writing habit, I always choose a certain state of feeling where I can maximize my potential in writing. I noticed that I am more effective if my topics are about pain and sufferings. So I devoted several hours of the day, scribbling my sentiments and my “silent” heartaches.

Through the process of writing down anxieties and tribulations, I was able to record the pattern of my actions plus responses to every encounter I had with other people and alas!it helped me reassess why everything went badly, which eventually, reminded me how to be more cautious with my actions and avoid too many arguments, it made me able to correct my behavior and watch out my steps.
I always write stories that are hard to tell, stories and longings that are better kept and locked inside my journal than share it to others. I might not be safe anymore.lol!

Keeping a journal is a good way to learn more about my thoughts and feelings, but it’s not always easy because it requires rigorous self-discipline and strong determination, plus the fact that each writing activity prompted me to travel back again to the moment of agony. The moment I hold the pen and faced my journal, it tossed me back again to the days where pain is unbearable and tormenting.

Below is a sample entry for the month of June 2009:
--- For the past three months, I wrote about ARGUMENTS AND CONFLICTS, maybe because I was influenced with my current emotional burden. I have been carrying this heavy emotional baggage for quite sometime that it seems it is a part of me now and accustomed to its weight. I discovered one agonizing truth- that Pain simply never go away, you get used to it, as time goes by. I have discovered also that emotions do not simply wither, instead they grow heavily each day that sometimes it causes me to act in ways that surprise and dismay me. So when friends suggested to simply “drop” what weighs on me and lift it to God, it sounds like hearing a foreign langauge. In total honesty, the suggestion, though very sensible, is very difficult to follow in real life.

So that's it..that's only a sample..hehehe..journaling habit is such a welcome respite!

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Funny Night with Friends


It’s always a welcome respite to take a break from work and go somewhere to loosen up and unwind with close friends…it can cure boredom and weariness in life, especially if the "unwinding" ritual will be mixed up with hilarious conversation only you and your friends could understand the absurdity of the topic!

I always love long conversation with the people I am very closed with, because I can freely talk without being criticized, I can laughed mischievously, I can democratically displayed the rascal side of my personality, I can be myself in front of them and somehow freed my mind from anxiety, it's a total freedom and happiness.
With Grace Rosello
and Juvy Panos and Ester Llanasas

Since our acquaintance party last July 24, where I went home early to catch up my afternoon class in business economics, I'd wished we could find time together to share precious moment of fun...again...and that "time" came last Wednesday, August 4, when two of my friends proposed the idea of spending dinner together, so we just hit it off and immediately agreed to meet after office hours.

Since the plan was instant and no enough time to debate and disagree where to go, we took a ride without a clear direction, we just laughed and giggled inside the “cab” and go where the cab took us..that was a real adventure, but that was great! because it gave us excitement and pleasure…we were unfamiliar with trendy places in Davao as we scarcely go out because of our money-pinching lifestyle.

When we arrived in our destination…ahhhh…I figured then, we were in Torres, we looked around, peep at some expensive restaurants, glared at the silly parking lot I thought the entrance area of that expensive-looking oriental resto, until we settled in an oddly looking place with almost no light along its narrow passage, but when I saw its imposing billboard, I knew it’s a safe place from robbers.

I whispered to my friends if we're in the right place since it appeared as if there's a wedding banquet. After we broke into laughter with fits of amusement brought by our silliness, we went inside and breathed hardly!

I must admit I was not really impressed with the foods, in fact I even hardly remembered what I ate, but I treasured the moment because we’re able to relax and unwind and exercise our lungs! While eating, of course we didn’t mind the “not-so-impressive” foods but focus more on our confidential conversation…hahaha… just like any unguarded moments shared by people who spoke the same language and followed the same life principles, we laughed on top of our lungs as we talked weird things only the four of us understood..hahaha..we scampered on "issues" we could find in life and feasted it as we busied on spoon and fork.

We consumed all our energy sharing precious “updates” about the importance of friendship, which is the main course of the evening. After bartering fresh ideas asking each other why we’re still single and yet enjoying life…we changed position by looking around and darted our gaze at the weird birthday celebrant swaying on the dance floor with his guests performing a strange cotillion..hehehe..

Oh that was a real fun, we really made it a point to spend the evening in laughter and innocent talks..So after our photo sessions, we stood up and walked leisurely towards the neighboring restaurant and posed for another round of silly and super funny conversations. We talked funny things, so ridiculous that I wanted to roll to the ground in laughter. We did it in order to relax and exercise tired muscles and of course… freedom...freedom to poke fun with each other.

It was a wonderful night out with them. I loved the fact that we’re able to spend quality time together and had a hearty laugh, we chuckled in every corner of "pinutos" as if there’s no tomorrow, we truly enjoyed the evening because we’re able to unload things that kept bothering in our head, well, at least it came out and blown off the air so that it won’t clog in our brain.
On the following Friday, we went out again
Dining and eating Durian and making grocery

That was truly a spectacular evening...we just spent the whole three hours laughing, talking and sharing important lessons in life while analyzing our destiny waiting for some hints of “the one” so that we can waltz down-the-isle.

Hope we could find another time to go out...and talked about new “updates”. Thank you Ester, Grace and Juvy for that wonderful evening!!

Monday, August 2, 2010

Fascinated with INCEPTION!

I know I have to watch a puzzling film in order to exercise my mind and invigorate my tired brain muscles, great movies are my favorite escape!and I am always fascinated with a movie plot that made my mind twist a little bit harder...so I choose INCEPTION!a mind-blowing, psychological thriller that made my brain work harder.

The story talks about invading one's subconscious..is it possible?well, that's the magic of Chris Nolan's creativity.
INCEPTION "kicks" off in world theater last July 16 but it was only a week later that this critically-acclaimed film finally made a screening debut in Philippine cinemas.

Last Thursday, July 29, one of my friends badgered me to watch Salt but I resented Angelina Jolie and her too good-to-be-true-spy-old-fashion film, so I struggled to convince my friends to choose INCEPTION instead. After several minutes of presenting my reasons why we should watch this latest Leo Di Caprio flick, my three friends finally relented..hehehe

The trouble is, I had an appointment that night with my group mates in business economics, but since my eagerness to watch the film in theater reigned stubbornly in my mind, I texted my classmates to postpone the meeting,hahaha. Anyway, that's it...after office hour, we went to NCCC and alas!INCEPTION was no longer showing so we went to SM.
Leonardo Di Caprio plays Dominic Cobb, an expert extractor who could invade one's mind through dreams.

But I must admit, the first half of the film is monumentally boring, I couldn't grasp exactly what the director, Christopher Nolan (The Dark Knight and Batman Begins), tried to convey as the sequences were too slow to connect, anyway, after the scene, where Leo Di Caprio met Ellen Page and talked about invading dreams, followed by cracking of buildings and raising of bridges, I became interested with the whole thing.

The story is an original creation of Christopher Nolan, and talks about a human fascination of the power of imagination, and the possibility of invading dreams and penetrating the subconscious, it was utterly mind-bogging, thinking how one's mind could penetrate other people's dreams and steal ideas and secrets. It remains a phenomenon though, but the movie really gave me a hard time analyzing the whole concept.

One of the elements used and presented in the film, is a spinning device called "totem", this precious thing is carried by Dom Cobb (Leo Di Caprio) to distinguish the situation if he is dreaming or already wake up.

If the device wobbles fast, he is still in his dream but if it stops, he is already awake. The surprising twist comes in the last scene where Cobb returned to the United States after his client, Saito, helped him cleared his name on the murder charges against his wife.

Cobb went home and met his children whom he left to his father-in-law while hiding from the police authorities. But what puzzles me is the final scene where the totem wobbled fast while Cobb hugged his children, until the film credits showed, the totem did not stop wobbling.

So it means, Dom Cobb is still trap in his dream?and his wife is true that it's him who refused to go back to reality? and in order for him to fully wake up is to pass death?oh gosh!I wanna talk to direct Chris Nolan about this twist!

Friday, July 2, 2010

A Good Start


The decision to attend graduate studies gives vigor to my "worn-out" inner self and boosted my self-confidence, it feels as though I found the right place at last where I could be myself, rediscovering my potentials, my dreams and longing for an independent life.

The emotional turmoil I suffered last December 2009 almost left me with a battered spirit, but I managed to pick up the pieces somehow and rebuild my crumbled dreams and hopes, slowly, I figured out what's best for me. Now, I am carefully building my parameter and closely guarding my territory from rude "outsiders" to spare myself from another round of humiliation and rejection.

I want to maintain my distance to avoid being trapped again, though I want to remain a friend, I don’t want to retain the closeness anymore because it’s too stressful to pass the same road, I don't want to stumble along it's clutters--too risky, and I am afraid I might not be able to cope up with its consequences if everything will be back again.

I want some peace of mind and I can only attain this if I would temporarily break the ties, maybe in three years time the humiliation I suffered and the pain I terribly felt will be completely healed and can face the world with fairness and with no traces of heartaches.

It’s too difficult to pretend that I was not badly hurt with those humiliating words, though I already discarded those spiteful lines and the whole event, still the morsel of arrogance and hostilities lingered in my mind. The humiliating episode still haunted me and keeps spinning in my mind. I am not sour-graping, I just want to give myself a little respect and protection from manipulation.

There should be a gap, it is too difficult to move on if “all lines of communications” are still open, I am afraid I might be used again or exploited and abused my “being too kind”, I already developed this trauma from exploitation, I was terribly used and I was too naive to detect the dangers early on. Maybe because I was over confident, so relax that people in the modern world couldn’t do harm towards fellow men. Now, I must guard my territory and set my own limitations to avoid stomping on the wrong road of ridiculous assumptions.

It might not be a big deal to others, but the impact to my self-esteem is awful and appalling, the exploitation, the humiliating words, the feeling of rejection really wounded my soul deeply. Now I am slowly recovering from all those rants, though not completely (because the scars penetrated deeply), I am hoping everything will be totally forgotten in due time.

I am still capable to be loved, to be respected and to be admired by other people, I will just have to wait for my turn, for my right time to come, because God's time is always perfect.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

My not-so-funny Valentines

 Haaaay!it’s Valentine season once again...

Anyway I will just be contented watching my environment smoldered in "blood", maybe this is not yet my time to be associated with Red. 

And just like the past years -- since I learned how to pout my lips when people started asking how I would spend the day of hearts -- this Valentine's Day, I will celebrate it again with my close friends, nothing has change grrrrrrrr!


Here  are some of my most exciting & funniest events every Valentine's Day with my friends:

Since started working, I always spent my Valentine's day with colleagues in the University (Pressie De la Torre, Rose Alegada, Pinky Ordaneza, Judy Merecido and Arlene Cardinas), often over dinner. One Valentine's day we had a dinner somewhere in Bajada, we were amused to find out most of the tables were occupied by lovers who couldn't take their eyes off from each other, as if one of them will melt or evaporate if they will blink!

So funny to see these kind of couples because they were so glued to each other as if the Earth will crumble in a minute, and their movements were not really spontaneous! Why they seemed super tense?why they couldn't relax?haha!..okay I will try to find out these unsolved mysteries in the years to come. hmmp! After dinner we watched movies twice!haha!!

Then on the following year, the year I thought I would be having a different Valentine's Day, but to my complete shock I still joined my friends and repeated what we did in the previous V-Day, dining out and movie hopping.

In 2006, I spent the day of hearts with two of my friends, Pressie and Rose, this time our conversation was a bit serious, finally anxieties started knocking our poor heads and wondered why we always spend this "mysterious day" with each other when other people kept changing partners every Valentine's Day.

Our usual question: When will we celebrate Valentine's Day with a guy? Then I thought..hmmm..maybe next year things would be different..and next year..and next year..but in 2008, goodness, I still spent it with my friends!grrrrrr! 

 
(left photo: with Bechay and Prissie)

So I pleaded help to St. Jude, the patron saint for the love and the hopeless..ahem.. to give me a different Valentine story next year.

Oh well, it seems St. Jude had a difficult time finding the map of my destiny that my request did not reach to heaven, so again, in 2009, only the style of my hair changed,  everything in my system remained "unmoved" and, well, what else is new, I and my colleagues had a Valentine dinner near Torres.

The meaning of my Valentine's Day is heavily confined in the company of my close friends in a never-ending dinner set-up, sharing the same old, tiring story of hopelessness and the mystery of where the heck of the universe Mr. Right is hiding.

Until we began poking fun with each other with "what will gonna happen in 2010? will we finally spend it with ..uhmmm..someone? or with a ghost?" but as weeks unfolded into months and months and reached December, I finally resigned to the fact that I will be having another round of a “friendly” Valentine’s Day celebration, hahaha! And darn!all my premonitions proved true!

Okay, so we will going to have a quite (there will be a little smile) dinner at GARDEN FRESCA-I've never been into this place so I'm kinda excited..and, .ahhhh..why not explore the place, with some...gossip? no of course not, but pose for some souvenirs..hahaha!  then we talked days ago to, uhmmm..try our best to proceed to the Summit Bar of Royal Mandaya Hotel.

I am not sure if we were in our right senses when we agreed to go there and witness the morbid lovapalooza, oh hell! so what will we gonna do there exactly? watch couples smooching until they faint? But we're sure we wanted to take some "breather" and enjoy the night to eradicate some "emptiness" that thumping in our chests like crazy butterflies for so long.

Last night, while editing my two manuscripts, I tried pacifying myself "Okay, never mind having another round of Valentine blues this year, after all St. Valentine did not die for sentimental love but because of his love for his duty, his mission in life, his friends"-related articles:www.triond.com/users/joycelamela infact, Valentine's day is officially omitted from the list of  holidays in all nations and in the Roman Catholic list of feast days)


 (left photo: Pink Tulips--my favorite flower)

Being loveless on the day of hearts seems the most terrifying aspect of every unattached human being with normal heartbeats, because of the endless taunting of  people. But for the past decade, I learned artistically how to fire my bullet without harming anybody--I just shrugged it off and shot them with a blazing gaze...most of them got my point..maybe my future Valentine date is still trapped somewhere else--in the North Pole perhaps.

Of course!deep inside, I know I started to feel like a useless human being...like an excess baggage...like a dusted closet...and...and...I don't know...grrrr! But the good thing of having no someone yet, is the fact that I can still plan what's best for my life, what road to take (oh gosh! I'm beginning to sound like M. Scott Peck or John Gray or Leo Buscaglia), so while waiting for my "Prince Charming", I will just treat each day as Gods' way of protecting me, maybe God wanted me to make good decisions to avoid gliding on the wrong path. But how long?



Happy Valentine's Day everyone!make every moment unforgettable..!

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Butterfly Kisses

So goes the sweet song of Bob Carlisle. 

Tripping down memory lane is always a welcome respite...Everything was so perfect then. I thought magic of innocence never end.

I practically grew up in a farm with nothing between us but beach, streams, valleys and lush green forest. My father, though working in a government office at that time, maintained a farm with a breathtaking landscape and scenery. I could see wonderful sunrise and spectacular sunset in a day and a dramatic moonlight which magnified like a silver thread in the nearby river at night. it was an amazing childhood years. No complication, no worries, no anxieties.


Spending a quiet afternoon at the beach with my beloved brother last Christmas 2009. My childhood memories still confined at the lush green farm where I grew up, no matter where my footsteps drag me in the future, my longings still belong to the place where I spent most of the happiest moments of my life.

My father, who also served the Catholic church as a lay minister, never allowed us to go out unaccompanied so I and my sister remained secluded in our farm, playing only with our cousins. 

Our farm is composed of rolling hills, an orchard, rice and coconut fields, fruits, vegetables, rootcrops, a poultry farm, livestock. Sadly, when I was in high school my father sold all our properties and moved to a nearby town. It was a little bit sad and up to now, I still haunted by those memories.

Literally, I was raised up in a very strict Catholic environment where decency and modesty are the key rules, talking sex was a taboo and taking a boyfriend while still in school was extremely damaging. 

So I made this crazy covenant with the Lord when I was in second year high school, “Lord please don’t allow me to have a boyfriend while still studying”. And it seems God heard all my prayers because He didn't allow anybody to come into my life. it felt like I was constantly protected with a giant halo. When I entered college, I was even more determined to stay loyal with the covenant I made.

I deliberately refused to be closed to guys, as a result, I didn’t remember any of the boys in the class when I finished college. Then I got a job in the university where love is as difficult to find as a functional bathroom. I was assigned in the engineering office and I remember turning white when the acceptance letter handed down,you know why?
Marihatag Tree Park beach resort, few miles from our home 

Because I will be working with boys! Urghhh I’d never thought about them before and now I will join their frightening world, how horrifying. Aside from my brothers and cousins, I couldn’t remember any names of boys in my circle. So many restrictions when I was still in school, "don’t talk to them or go with them or never get to close to them", it was as if men are explicitly dangerous creatures, more terrible than vampires and zombies.

But everything went smoothly because the “boys” turned out to be nice and easy to be with. Alas! I got another covenant with God, “Lord don’t show Mr. Right until I can publish a book or write articles in a magazine”, sounds stupid, but I kept repeating this line in my prayers to make sure it will be heard accurately.

I was not sure if that’s what I really needed after all.

Eventually I got suitors (of course!kala nyo wala) but no sparks from within, besides, I want to be alone first, concentrating building crazy dreams, so I was unconcerned with their pestering intentions. When guys insisted, my mind would automatically grasp countless reasons: “oppps!he is not cute…he has this bulging eyes as if pop eye came to existence…oh I don’t like his smoking habit, grrrrrr he has this disgusting shape of hands" and the silly reasons goes on and on and on, until the road of finding Mr. Right became bleak and blurred.

Reality Sucks!

My prayers became more intense and pleaded God to show his “special gift” before my age suffered a convulsion, but as days rolled into months and into years and into a decade, still no Prince Charming is visible in my horizon. Until my longing became a real agony. 

Confusion and bitterness started to invade my tired brain. So much so, that when I spotted an opportunity to be closed to a good guy, I wasted no time. Well, that was a sort of eagerness that plunged me more to severe anxieties and heartaches due to a wrong footing of assumptions. That was so crazy and funny and stupid.

I tolerated the messy circumstances because I was on the verge of losing patience with my uneventful destiny. It was so messy that sometimes sent my mood to purgatory. Well, It appears to be perfect at first that I thought God played favoritism in me and granted everything I requested.

You know when the shades of light...the bright morning...the leaves...and the raindrops... suddenly shimmered with unrealistic sparks, when the tiny details about that person that are insignificant to others seemed fascinating to you...well...that’s what I thought about L-Love...urrgggh!..crazy stuff about love. Without thinking these silly thoughts had nothing to do with reality, I mean with the opinion of the "other person".

Of course life is what we make it and we are responsible of our own happiness, we are free to make our own choices where we could be happy...that's what he did exactly...a decision that should be respected...of course...

It was so silly to think but I misinterpreted his intention of just establishing a pure friendship. So pure he felt grisly and seemed horrified when I asked him about "emotions--little crazy, useless emotions", Jesus! he felt like running around and screaming with thunderous words like "yucks help me, I don't like this girl!"

Gosh! It sucked..and my self-confidence faltered to the bottom of my self-esteem. Everything fizzled that day. Life sometimes played tricks and deceptions, but the most important thing is, I discovered these crazy games and charade before ruining every dream I am capable of building...but I never regretted the night I launched my missile, er, my stupid inquiries, because it finally released my mind from anxieties.